I woke up this morning……
The birds were singing and….hang on, SLAP SLAP SLAP. Oh..thats right. Now i remember……
I have a fury in me i didnt know existed. I am beyond angry, i dont know what the word is. And cue the tears….I am SICK TO DEATH of crying. I cannot stop. Dames came in and said "how are you?". He wanted me to say "im great", not a care in the world. Sorry mate, heres how it is….. You slept with someone else and made a baby. He says he didnt know, my god he had better not be lying to me. Vera, you hit the nail right on the head. I could barely read your post for the bawling.. I am betrayed, in the worst possible way.
Thank you for letting me know it is all right to feel this way. I want to stab that woman in the heart. Cause thats what she has done to me. I told Dames, if i come up in the conversation, he is NOT to say that im ok. Im not ok and i dont know that i ever will be. I dont know if we will make it through this…its just another kick in the guts to what has been a lifetime of hurt. One thing after the next…how much more can i take? It feels like the pain is never going to end. Yes, we go through him meeting the lovely Sasha, then meet the kids, then, meet the family, then Christmas, then Birthdays, then wedding, then, grandchildren. Well, HIS grandchildren.
Thank you Nancy for your input, i can only pray to god that this will be the situation for us. I dont care if it sounds mean…i am not going with him to meet her. Found out last night that he is going to her house. Apparently the bitchs husband is going to be there… Cant you see it, lets bring out the baby photos!!! He told me this morning he wouldnt go if i was that upset. The fact is that i cannot keep feeling like this, i cant go for another week or month. Get the damn thing over with. I dont think i could sit there, i would end up slapping her face. I dont want to see Sasha. I have told him that when the time comes to meet the kids i cant be there, i cant do it. I know that little girl didnt ask to be born but frankly i dont give a ****.
Dames is trying to be kind, hes being very considerate of me, checking on me every 5 minutes, making me coffee cause i cant eat a damn thing. Thats all very nice but how about going back 15 years and not having drunken sex with that woman. That is the only thing that is going to make it ok. Vera, i have been saying the serenity prayer over and over. I cant accept this, i dont know how. I cant get past my own pain to see anything else at the moment. I want to curl up and go to sleep and never wake up and never have to think about it again. Better still, ill go and sit at a machine and watch the reels spin until i pass out. No, i am not going to gamble. He is not going to let this turn me into that evil person again.
Poor Brea came in this morning and i was a bawling mess. I dont want her to feel that she cant cry or say anything to me because im a wreck. I dont know how much to say to her, should i just tell her how i feel? I dont want to burden her with my stuff. Her and Dames were in the lounge last night laughing and talking. I know its there way but it makes me feel im the abnormal one. I think i need counselling. I dont think i can get through without it.
Dames just messaged me saying to remember i am his world and will always come first. I know he is trying so hard….
Anyway, thanks for reading. Any advice would be helpful. I need to get past this and ACCEPT. Unfortunately, that is the hardest thing to do.
Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time
