I dont know where to start this time. Firstly to Alison, i am so pleased you are going to self exclude, it was the best thing i ever did and i hope you confront it with a sense of pride. You should be so proud of yourself..it is a big step but i believe (at least for me) that it is a necessary one.
Compulsive, i have to admit, i was very angry when i read your post. Why shouldnt i be angry? The life i thought i had with my family is gone….then i read it again…there is no productive use for anger. I am not saying that im still not feeling it, but my life with my family is NOT gone. I have a tendancy to withdraw when things are going awry, and my god, they are going awry at the moment. Im still having trouble grasping it, it has only been 2 days so im not expecting a miracle. I have at least stopped crying. So Ray, your t-shirt is safe.
Ray, you and my best friend have the same belief. She keeps saying ‘everything happens for a reason’. I KNOW she is right, it is just soooo hard to think of what possible reason this could be. What i do know is this, Jodie said to me today that if i had of known, we would never have got back together, and we wouldnt have our beautiful boys..she is right. I am trying to stop playing the victim here and have a bit of control…Dames and i talked a bit tonight and i told him that i could not agree to any more contact until after the DNA test had been done and i didnt know how long after that. Everything has just moved so fast…
He said that he was telling them that very thing, i was not so sure, you are a yes man. Not this time he says. We will see. He also came home with a huge bunch of flowers, he has NEVER bought me flowers in all the years we have been together. I had to be smart didnt i….’ Well, you always said i would know when something bad had happened cause you would buy me flowers’. I have to say, it felt good, much to my regret.
Saturday is going to be the killer for me when he leaves to go up and meet her. I cant even think about it at this stage… you all know how my mind works and i have some horrific images going on in there. He will fall in love with her at first sight, they’ll be cuddles and tears, he wont be able to leave there, it goes on and on and on. I know it is soooo mean, and i will go to hell for it, but i dont want him to like her. I know i will ask him every question known to man when he comes home…i need to know everything, and i know its not what i want to hear. But i need to know the truth, otherwise i will never be able to accept the reality of whatever this meeting will bring.
So down to Ray, i have not taken one bit of offence to your post, in fact i thought it was very kind. I am starting to feel (just the tiniest bit) that i might get through this, that our marriage might get through, that i will start to believe that there is a reason for this. As the days go on, im sure i will be on here calling him for everything, but if i can heal just a little bit every day, i might be alright.
Lastly, words of wisdom from my beautiful, talented, amazing, mature daughter….she said to me tonight, you will always be our mum, and nothing in the world is ever going to change that. I said to her that i wasnt the only mum in his life anymore and she said, you are the only mum in ours…(now im crying…bugger)
How lucky am i? Thanks for reading, Kathryn xx
Fighting the good fight…One day at a time