Holy smokes! I missed a few days, and logged on to find this bombshell. I’ve read and re-read the posts about your current situation. I do not want to cause you any distress beyond what you are currently feeling, but I do want to post my thoughts. First of all, please remember that all of us offer our support through our own eyes and experiences. It often colors how we respond, how we see a situation. No one has exactly your experience, and so comments may be a little off base. If that is the case with my post, please know that I do not intend to hurt you.
When I read the story, I see two very strong things. One, the affair happened at a time when you were not together with your husband, and you do not in fact blame him for this situation. Secondly, this woman is now married. Your fears seem to be that hubby will walk into a situation, see doves fly and angels sing, and run away to have a wonderful "family" life with this woman and the girl. In fact, your fear is that this will happen the moment the door opens. But here are some things that you don’t know yet:
When the door opens, will the woman and her husband be standing there? Do they have a strong relationship? Why did she keep the child a secret? Has he always known the child wasn’t his? Has the child always known this man wasn’t her father? How long have they been married? Was the child raised as theirs? Would the woman have been content to keep this a secret all of her life except that her child needs to know who her father is? Does the child have medical issues where it is important for her and her family to understand your husband’s background? Have the family been through many things to get to this stage? Have they had long late night conversations about what the "right" thing to do was? Have they been to counselling? Are they prepared for the impact of this meeting? Is she an only child, and wants desperately to have a sibling (Brea)?
You are feeling tremendously threatened right now. That is evident in your description of the child’s mother as a slut. You obsess about what she looks like. I understand that when you feel so out of control, you need to focus your anger and anxiety on a target. But you don’t know what this woman went through 15 years ago. Perhaps she let your husband go because she knew his heart lay with you and your daughter. Perhaps it was a one night stand, and she had many…and truly did not know who the father was. Perhaps she was ashamed of the liaison. Did she have to tell her parents and friends…was she shunned, cut off, left to raise the child on her own? I am NOT trying to paint a sympathetic portrait of her, I am just trying to point out that right now you have only the bare facts – there is a child that was likely fathered by your husband.
Finally, I want to comment about your husband and your daughter. I am glad to see that you and your husband are discussing this, and you must be very proud of the maturity your daughter is showing. If you strip everything away Kathryn, what do you really fear? Losing your husband? Sharing your husband? Being cut out of a life of laughter and merriment that your husband and daughter will share with this child (at least in your imagination?) A wise friend once told me that if I can’t change my reality, I must change my perception, because that is the only thing I can control. What if you thought about welcoming this child into YOUR family. About what she might bring to you, your husband and your daughter? There is room in your heart for many, perhaps there is room for her too. You have shown repeatedly on this site that you are a lovely, humorous woman who has so much to offer others.
I will think about your tomorrow Kathryn, and I will also think about a 15 year old girl who won’t sleep tonight, so great her anxiety and fear about meeting her biological parent. I will think about your husband, anguished over this turn of events. I will think about your daughter, wondering if she has to share her father now. I will think about the mother, wanting nothing but her daughter’s happiness. I will think of you all Kathryn. Mostly I will send up a prayer that there be kindness, acceptance and love in everyone’s heart for the sake of the girl.