I had a no post day yesterday…i think i was so drained and tired, plus i was a bit nervous about going to work, was i going to break down and be a bawling mess??? I got to work and walked around the staff room corner and there was my friend Gerry, she left a couple of months ago and sometimes does fill in shifts. Higher Power looking after me? I think so. She is one tough cookie and really looked after me when i started this job. She has been nursing for about 20 yrs and has taught me soooo much. As soon as i saw her, i told her everything, she made me a coffee and we talked and talked. I knew my night was going to be fine. And it was.
When i got home, Brea was in the shower and when she got out she came into the lounge and said hi. I knew that something was up but she said she was going to bed and walked out of the room. I called her back in and made her sit down next to me and tell me what was going on. She started crying (her first real emotion) and said that this whole situation was horrible. Damian got out of bed so the 3 of us sat and talked. She said she needed to talk about it, she couldnt see why we were so upset, she wanted to get back to normal. I told her that we would proboably be facing a new kind of normal and we just had to go slow and work out what that was. We then talked about the visit (sasha, brea and the boys) and Dames said he didnt want to take them. I told him he had to, like it or not. Brea then asked if i would be going and i said no. I think she wants me to go but at this point i dont think i can do it, not even for her. I think i would make things more uncomfortable for them as i would be an emotional wreck.
I dont know if any air was cleared, but she is 18 and im trying really hard not to be depressed or upset in front of her…im obviously doing a terrible job. I can only do what i can do.
I am having moments of clarity when i think maybe down the track i could be involved, but i also feel that where Sasha is concerned it is none of my business, only the parts that concern my children. It truly has nothing to do with me in the sense that she is not related to me so i kind of feel im intruding? (dont know if that is the right word)
Anyway, im rambling a bit, i do know that i feel a bit better and im coming to terms with it all. Whats done is done and cant be undone. Brea wants me to make the best of it, and i am truly trying to see things in a positive light but it has only been 7 days today (god, this time last week i was as happy as a lark) i need time and i feel that im being pressured to be over it all already and its just not going to happen overnight. They need to be patient with me for once!
On a positive, i went for a walk with my girlfriend this morning after dropping Harry at Kinder (pre-school). It wasnt all that bad, i have more energy today, hmmm maybe i can do the vacuming. The hammys were screaming by the end of it but i made it. There was no talk of the last weeks events (well, not much) and we chatted in between the huffing and puffing (mostly mine). I think i have finally breathed out, so hopefully things will get much better from here. On a personal note, Damian and i have never been so close, both emotionally and physically (sorry guys!!). We havent had a REAL marriage for a long time , so maybe this will be the good thing that comes, us getting closer. I think we have a new appreciation for each other. He has been very good to me during all this. Very attentative and tuned in to my feelings. I think thats the first time ever.
Sorry this was so long, i was only going to do a short post and it all just came out. I havent gambled for i think 32 days now, im pretty proud of that.
I hope you all hae a wonderful gamble free day,
Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time