Ive been thinking….you have all known me since i have stopped gambling, yes i had 1 slip, but the majority of what i write is post gambling. I thought id write about when i was gambling, for a change. The details are sketchy, i remember major incidences but the rest is a blur but i will tell you what i remember.
I remember first going to the pokies with my mum. We would go once a week, for a coulple of hours and spend $20 each. We did it for years, i never had a thought to go on my own, and to this day i dont remember the day i decided to go by myself. I remember lots of times, going to my mums, asking her for a loan, spinning some **** about how we had no money, because i gambled it all away. I have borrowed tens of thousands off my mum over the years…not once has she ever asked for me to pay it back, and whenever i offered she would say ‘no, you need it.’ Yeah, i needed it alright…woohoo more money to gamble.
When i had Bailey, Brea was 8. Damian used to have his mates over in the shed (boy time) on a Thursday night. That was my night to go and have a play. I used to leave the money at home, but soon worked out that if i stayed late enough, the kids would be asleep and if i turned off the headlights on the car i could drive up, sneak in and get more money without Damian ever knowing. I would leave an 8yo home with a little baby, Damian would be boozing in the shed, and Brea was stuck with a bawling kid. Did i care…no way.
This was about the time my gambling was getting out of control. I dont know how, but we managed to get enough money to buy a house. On thinking, i think Mum gave us the money for the deposit, and as it wasnt a huge loan, $85,000 we got it easily. Our first home. Then our Harry was born, i had severe post natal depression, and everyone was tiptoeing around me. I could gamble whenever i wanted because i would be out of their hair. The lunatic woman who couldnt love her family. Mix gambling with depression and its not pretty. I had accumulated so much debt, that i had ruined Damians (not mine ) credit and our only way out was to sell our house. I was gutted. We sold our house for 210,000. We were left with $50,000 after everything was paid. That money lasted for another 18 months maybe. I blew the lot on gambling.
Even after all this, after losing our home, the one we had soooo many plans for, i still gambled. I was going to GA, going to counselling and stopping on the way home to gamble. I never stopped. Until now.
It has taken me years and years to get to this point in my life. I dont know how deeply i affected my children with my gambling. In between these events in my life, there were a million fights, a gazillion tears and a family torn apart by my illness. There are lies that i have told that i can never repeat, they make me sick to my stomach. I didnt care what i said, i just wanted money to gamble. I have done unspeakable things. But that was then.
I found GT. I found all of you, who have been instrumental in helping me through this. I have been free for 57 days. I have been happy for 57 days (for the most part!!!!)
I know that no matter what i have a place that is mine, that i can rant, rave, cry, laugh and just be me. Finally, i see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see hope. I see posibility.
Sorry for the length, its proboably a tenth of what really happened, im sure i blocked some things out as they are too painful. But you all get the gist. Special mentions in this story go to Dames and Jode…they stood by me and held me up when i couldnt. They are the best, and have seen the best, and worst in me. They never stopped loving me, even when i hated myself. My other special mention is to Harry, here at GT. My life is richer for knowing you, your help, compassion and understanding goes above and beyond.
Thanks for reading, bye for now, Kathryn xx
Fighting the good fight…One day at a time– 8/08/2009 10:53:24 AM: post edited by kathryn.