I had an interesting conversation last night, and i have had a bit of a change of thought when it comes to guilt…
I have always felt guilty, for losing our home, putting us in financial despair, ruining what could have been a wonderful life, for things i have and dont have.
Well i have come to see that im looking at things a bit backwards. I hope this makes sense cause im still trying to wrap my brain around it. Ive really realised that it was the addiction working through me…not me in that i did not want to become who i became, a lying, scheming, thief.
I have realised after all this time that i have a true addiction, it sounds wierd i know but it has made me understand that the addiction did this to me…not me to myself. (does that make sense, im not sure)
In any case i am not going to feel guilty anymore, im letting it go, guilt is what makes us gamble, we dwell on all the things we have done and that little gambling monster says ‘good, you think that, and go and gamble and you can zombie out and I WIN!’ Im not giving him the satisfaction anymore. Not to say i dont have regret..i think they are two very seperate things.
I will remember the things i regret, to keep me on this path of recovery, but i am not, for one minute going to feel guilt. I cant change what has happened, but i can certainly change how i think now.
I still dont know if im making any sense, the words are in my head but i dont know if they are coming out right…im sure you will let me know!!!!
Im living for today, for my future and the future of my family. 20 days today, i never thought i could do it. And for the one who helped me…you know who you are and thank you, i woke up a different person this morning.
Wishing you all a happy gamble free day, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time