Originally posted by kathryn
I am emotionally exhausted at the moment. My counsellor is making me think, long and hard about myself and i have found it to be extremely draining (RG, you are spot on) I am a person full of emotion, they run my life and i am finding that im so tired, drained and flat that any kind of emotion only makes me worse. (I hope that makes sense)
I almost feel that it has all been drained out of my body, and i am going through the motions everyday, just living. I dont like this feeling, im always happy go lucky (well, not really lucky but you know what i mean) but after talking to Harry last night (love ya H) today i am just going to accept this feeling for what it is and go with it. I am off to Melbourne with my sister, she is so excited and im really ho-hum. I know ill be right when i get there, but that to me shows how flat i really am. I am usually bursting with excitement, as i never really go anywhere.
I dont remember being this tired, and yet im not sleeping well at all. I know this is going to pass, Im constantly lost for words on this forum (not like me either) so i guess you will all have to put up with a bit of a downer me for a while until i get through it. Not gambling, really, was the easy part, i was ready, joyful in fact. Self exclusion was like a natural thing for me to do and i embraced it with open arms, be it a scary thing, i felt totally free walking out with those papers in my hand. Every day since i know it was the best thing i have ever done in my life, i have never regretted it for a single second, or wished i hadnt done it.
This part, the ‘me’ part is a lot harder. I have always been an ignorer, i let things wash over me and now its time to dig deep and for once in my life, concentrate on myself. Its bloody difficult. Im finding it totally draining, my energy is gone, i cant do anything, and at the same time it frustrates me to no end. I know that counselling is going to make me a better person, for want of a better word. Understanding myself is something i need to do, for me and if this is part of it, well, im embracing that too. Im just so happy i have all of you to talk to, i couldnt cope if i had to hold these thoughts in my head, with all the rest swilling around!
I really need to go and pack, normally i would have been ready 3 days ago, so i need to get my bum off this chair and get organised!
Have a great weekend everyone, take care,
Sometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.
All I can think of while I am reading your post is your not gamblin. I mean it is sad that you are feeing tired drained and emotionally exhausted. But for some reason I think this is part of your recovery. But then again how would I know as I cannot make it one lousy weekend. I havent had a chance to feel those feelings of recovery.
You said self exclusion was a natural thing for you t do and and that you embraced it with open arms. Your feeling of being free as you walkes out of the casino with your papers makes me want that so bad. I cant do it!! I went again today and blew it. I do not want to elaborate as I am totally disgusted and want someone to stop me. I know I have to do it but i need some help. I need someone to o with me to the casino. I thought I had a plan with one of the GA members I met at the one meeting I went to. Anyhow I dont have it in me to even seek out on here today. I dont know what to say and obviously, I havent learned a damn thing. Except that I am very very sick and need help!!!
best to you on your weekend outthis to shall pass