Larry,
I am new to this site and posting – although not new to CG as I have been a CG for 5 years. Your story was gut-wrenching. I know that you said that you left your wife and daughter "for them"…how has their life been better because you are not in it? Because you believe you would have destroyed them with your gambling? Or because you believe being an American would have hurt them more than not having a husband and father. I am just curious – trying to figure that out. I am always intrigued by the thought process of people who are CG like me. As I look back over my own life and the choices I have made myself – I often wonder if they were truly motivated by me trying to help or protect someone I loved – or if they were truly motivated out of a sense of guilt, self-loathing, craving for my insane desire to gamble, or flight. People often talk about that "flight or fight" phenomenom whereby in high stress most people choose to either flght or flight. Fight, as in conflict or fighting to keep something together is so much harder than flight. Flight is the easy road in the beginning, but ultimately comes back to haunt us all the more.
Example:
My gambling had gotten so bad that I was threatening suicide, stealing regularly, depleting my families savings, lying constantly, rarely putting in a 40 hour week at work, disappearing regularly, picking fights with my husband so I could go gamble and on and on and on. The noose was tightening around my neck…people were confronting me and my behaviour was seen as very odd by my co workers – I believe I was going to be fired. And then something happened – I was offered a position a couple of states away. It meant uprooting my husband and leaving all of our family including my son and his new wife. We are 5 hours away – but it seems like 5 continents away. I thought I would get a new start – but all that has happened is I just travel farther to get the rush of gambling. I don’t go everyday like I was before – but I go as often as I can and I still lie and I still steal and my family is far away from me. I told myself that my move was helping my family as I would not be close to a casino and I fessed up to taking the savings to my husband etc. I thought it would be a new start – but all it has been so far is more deceit and lies.
In hindsight – I believe what would have been best for me was to find a site like this – begin attending meetings and tough it out instead of leaving my family. It’s never too late to right a wrong – and although your situation is different than mine – I wonder if perhaps the motivations weren’t the same…..
I miss my family too – so much.
Thanks for letting me rant on a Sat. morning and bless you in your recovery. I am two days clean….
Bloom where you are planted.
