Dear diary
I wanted to gamble. I started thinking of the machines again. They wouldn’t leave my mind, i could see and hear them almost. I keep getting flashes of them in my mind. I almost felt convinced it would be ok for me to go. This is not ok. This is going to be tough. My mind is playing tricks on me and i feel like i don’t need to worry if i just go occasionally. I have never gone occasionally, i have gone for ten years flat out. There is no sometimes, a small time, just this much money with me. I know this, i have repeated the same behaviour over and over and over. Yet my mind is not fully accepting it. It was accepting it yesterday. I feel spun in every direction. I didn’t gamble though. I need to put a lock on my thoughts. I need to weed them out they are quite poisonous sometimes. I have said prayers today to keep me strong. To help me to not cave to this crafty disease or addiction or whatever it is. I’m not quite sure how my conscious has allowed me to keep doing it but i see how it entices me. I’m not sure how i will go for the long haul. I don’t want to ever gamble again. I want to be strong enough to get through this. I’m asking for strength. I am ******** on my prayers being heard today.
Luna girl
