#2089
ell
Participant

 ***** all and thank you

 ohhh Velvet trahnk you for all  …
I’m tired in my mind not in my body. So many things to deal with …. I need a pause.
I need time for all that. Maybe it is wrong choice my silence but I need time for my mind..Maybe I’m pushing him, I don’t know …You know..I have too much on my plate all this months. And all my problems are equally difficult.
 I have my cg problem , I have my family financial problem I have the less hours with my daughter and of course I have my businesses and I have crises here ,I own 3 businesses  I try to handle all the businesses financial and try  have c***nts. My head is full enough. If I don’t do that I will not have food on my home in the future, you can understand that.
My day time runs quiqlky and I have boxes in my mind. My right hand here when I come in my work she always starts:  at 10 minutes you have this appointment and you must stay only 10 minutes then you have to do this and then that. Now I open for 10 minutes this box to try finding a solution … after I must talk with the teachers here and find the solutions too, but I must have clear mind, after that I must talk with the banks and I also must have clear mind.
So I close the other boxes. when you have your own businesses and crises comes things are rough so when you also having a cg things becomes tougher …when you also having financial problems to deal with things becomes tougher, and when the day finishes at 23:00 and you go home, you understand that you saw your child only for 3 hours today and things becomes harder. And you are tired and sad because you miss your child, you cannot talk and talk and talk for the same things because you are tired and you must find some minutes to talk only to yourself.. I’m not a therapist velvet you can understand me , im his wife …Im not punishing him …

I try to do everything I can, that is why I have too much on my plate all this months
If I was only a wife and a mother I know that some things would be better. But I’m not .I don’t have time for a bath, I’m doing my hair and shower so quickly get my suits and leave home with a smile for my c***nts. My mind velvet is tired not my body so much but my mind.
Forgive me velvet for writing all these now but I realize now that I need it. I absolutely know that you know all of that and you understand me very well and with all of you I can give solutions to my cg problems.
I’m sad with the ***s of my cg and tired from all my problems that is why silence happens. It is not a trick. It happens because somehow someone cause it . I can understand velvet that this maybe is a punishment for both of us especially for my cg but let me tell you all my steps the last 10 days:
I am o person like you v, I want to discuss and communicate and talk and try with discussing resolve the problems. (but you are the one who always reminds me myself and my feelings and my own recovery )
It was Monday when I found out the first ***. He cannot speak to me, he cannot neither say I’m sorry, not because he don’t feel it but because he just can’t find the words or the way.
His day time is very difficult too he is working for so many hours too . And he is missing his child too.
The first 2 days I did a conversation with him I asked him why? What he was thinking? Why he choose it? For ***** to me. He cannot speak so I told him that ***s is something I don’t want in my life and now I must think how we are going to pay it . The next 3 days silence for the ***. We have a polite behavior.   I was waiting for something , something to tell me , even  I’m sorry , something .
On Friday I sent him a letter 4 pages velvet, trying to give him understand what is  addiction and the behavior of that, trying to tell him my thoughts and my feelings. Some of my thoughts were emotional thoughts with feelings and some others were just cynical. But I did it velvet. I gave him time to think 4 days and then I realized that he need help and because I was not so good for a face to face talk  I choose to write him a letter of my hurt . To give him the time to think without my voice and my face if he is afraid of me.
He answered me that he is very sorry and he loves me and he was afraid and he doesn’t know how to explain the choice he made. I’m not asking to explain me but I wrote him that im here I understand the addiction behavior and you must change it. If you don’t, you and I have a problem.
He understand everything from the letter and he gave me his answer writing too . But face to face silence .I wrote him that I love him and need him (in the letter)  but    if all the addiction problems becomes hard for me so that I cannot be a good mother for my daughter I will leave you,  to find myself and my power for my daughter . Because my child deserve the best mother of the world. But she also deserve the best father too so it is up to you to make things only right for now on.
All that happened the day with the letters. The next two days nothing and the third he told me another *** for money who owned to us but he ***d because he wanted to cover his friend to me. But this choice I told him that ok I understand that you want to cover your friend to me  but I cannot accept it.  I cannot understand how you can choose to leave me uncover for that money too?
If the timing was not the same for the wrong choices things could be maybe better. But happens the same time and was his choice again.So i start thinking that i speak to a wall.

That day was his therapist meeting.  The therapist  knows everything for me, he read the letters he knows the ***s everything. He be***ves in my cg velvet, yes he said that 3 or 4 *****.
The therapist said to me that my silence sake him because he is used of me with conversations and efforts.
And now he sees (my cg) that I’m not in the **** to talk and he realize that ***s are the only  way for loosing ell .  I wrote to  my cg that you afraid ell reaction  (mine) if she(i) leave ? But I wrote him that he will make me go from his wrong attitude.  He must try to do right things and he must succeed .There is no other choise.
And now for me:  You asked me “””Do you know where you want to be with him?  “””
I love him, I need him in my life and in my daughter’s life , I want my hair become white together ,  I want to go out from all this stronger and winners but if I understand that I cannot handle the situation  I will never leave someone to manipulate or take advantage of me or hurting me even he don’t do it on purpose velvet. That is why when the shine shine comes I don’t know where I would be…  
 And of course I know velvet that I must stand up again because I’m more mature and I can teach him again from these mistakes… and the silence is difficult because he is a close person and with no talking he is becoming closer and frightened and making steps back and we don’t need that now.
 But I think that silence also makes him realize that I’m not from silver and he must grow up. He is sorry for not talking me . Maybe someone tell that im pushing him …be***ve me that I’m not doing something on purpose ….My reactions just happens because I feel betrayed and I must change it that.
I don’t know if you make sense from all that….im at work and im writing to you all my thoughts …..
Thank you very much velvet ….for your help
 — 7/3/2013 4:18:27 µµ: post edited by ell.