#2097
velvet
Moderator

 
Dear Ell 
Opening my Ell box and seeing your smile was wonderful.
Reading your last post and Jenny’s reply has bowled me over.
Neither of you mentioned being strong and yet both of you talked about yourselves and your change.   Neither of you talked about your CG’s change or what they had to do to make things right.   Neither of you talked about what they had achieved – only what you were achieving.      
In your silence I think you have found Ell and somewhere in the last few weeks while Jenny has not been posting, it seems she has been finding herself. It isn’t about living with or without a CG in the end – it is about you.   It isn’t about your ***** – it is finding out who you are.
I remember a member who wrote and said that when she was first told to look after herself and find her recovery, she didn’t understand – but it had been those words that had borne the greatest fruit for her.
As long as we are defensive I don’t think we will change and the addiction makes us defensive.  We did everything with good intentions and only with the experiences of our own lives to guide us.   We tried to be good and honest so what was it all about?
We met the addiction to gamble and it shook our lives to the core.   We tried to put everything right and everything went wrong.   In my opinion it is good to have an opportunity in life to sit down with yourself and look at who you are and how you got to the point you have reached and for that you need to be quiet.   When the addiction hits you, you can sink or swim – you can try and understand or feel they are wrong and that is that.   You can forgive or not. You can forget or not. You can work on yourself or accept yourself and feel there is no room for improvement.
I cannot imagine what it is like to own the addiction to gamble.   I don’t know what my reaction to others would have been if I did own it.   What I do know is that it takes a mighty big person to analyse their behaviour if it has been dreadful to others and take control of a mind-distorting addiction.     If I couldn’t analyse my life, my thoughts, my flawed judgements whilst expecting him to do all these things then what was I offering?   I felt his action deserved a reaction from me but even without his action being to choose recovery I had to react to his addiction – for me.   
I have learned more about people on this site than at any other time in my life.    It doesn’t just stop with the site either – what I have learned has spilt over into all my life.   I am not the person I was. I still don’t know what, or if, I did anything wrong.   I have taken a leaf out of the book of CGs when they enter a real recovery – they have to be honest with themselves and it isn’t easy.  
I hope that you are still smiling and getting the hugs you deserve. Maybe there will be something still to learn for you but when you smiled, I believe you were saying that Ell had looked after herself and could cope.  
There is only so much that this forum can give in information. What is done with the information is down to the member.    You made the difference in the end Ell – nobody did it for you and it brought a lump to my throat too.
speak soon
V