#2108
ell
Participant

Velvet *****  and thanks
Velvet, no we don’t have gambling conversations.   Nothing for gambling.
But We have issues when only I m finding a new debt. And that is a little often. But we don’t discuss even there velvet.
 I’m finding the debt he is telling I’m sorry, I’m getting silence I don’t speak he is frightened and he is waiting me to react. That’s it and nothing more than this. I never do conversations for gambling and I don’t want to.  I asked him sometimes if he is tempted and if he thinks that he need something more for his recovery he answered no and that’s it. Im answering that ok I believe you.
I’m not the woman that every day I’m asking how was your day? Are you tempted today? Have you thinking the gamble? What did you do with the therapist? No I’m not asking anything. Only the basic .   I’m not telling you  that I don’t feel that I would like sometimes to ask all these questions but when I feel that I want to ask something I just stop my self.
The only thing that I do the same every day is I’m giving the money he need for the day only and he lives me in the kitchen the receipts. And I have all the accounts.  Except this month which I left him all his salary in his account because I’m running at work and couldn’t transfer it .Of course the money are in the account.
No he is not going to GA . He went at the beginning for one time and he refuse to go because he thinks that he don’t need it. (The Ga here in Greece it is not organized it is an empty room and you wait if someone will come .No one in charge no plans to follow).
No he is not reading the site , he refuse to do it. At the beginning I  told him, he knows very well that my recovery is from gambling therapy site. But he also thinks that he doesn’t need to read others stories because his excuse is from the first time  that he cannot relate with anyone else story.
So his only support from the beginning    was / is  the counselor , nothing else and that is because I said it .If he was in his hands he would stop the counselor because he thinks that he is ok and never needed someone to help him to realize that  he was addicted . He knows it and he stopped it immediately because he understood his mistake . That is so simple for his mind. In his mind is that he is not addicted anymore. He  never was tempted 9 months now and he doesn’t t miss it . And of course he doesn’t need any help and  I am the one that im making his recovery a huge matter in my mind because he doesn’t gamble now .But he semms that he understand that he is the reason for all my fears now.
Velvet you know very well all my journey with my cg . Yes he is a good man and yes he doesn’t gamble now and yes he is a good father and a good husband and yes he works a lot to solve with me all the debts. Yes he giving me the receipts and yes he don’t ask for extra money . Yes he is the same husband that I married he is no different in all the others chapters and yes in the only chapter that he made a wrong he solve it  and he stopped the gamble . And now we try to solve the  consequences.
But the word  “totally trust “ No im not ready .  I don’t know why but im not ready. if he stops the meetings I will lose the only small and general feedback that I have . I m not ready for this .  I know that I must prepare my self for this but im not ready now .   It is my instinct.
I need to see something more from just im not playing.  I don’t know what but im not ready .
He deserves everything and I deserve everything also . The balance is difficult for me now.I dont know what to do .

Thank you very much velvet for everything and I will write soon .
 
 — 5/6/2013 3:52:26 µµ: post edited by ell.