Dear Ell,
From a number of things you’ve said in your recent posts, it seems to me that you are perhaps waiting for your husband to have some sort of revelation in his counseling that will explain how and why this awful thing happened to him: And this revelation will be so eye-opening for him that he will be relieved to understand it himself: And this new understanding will give him the confidence and resolve to never allow it to happen again: And if he is able to open his mind and heart enough to reach this level of understanding he will then be more capable of communicating this assurance to you.
As I write to you I realize this is exactly what I want! And I believe it is absolutely possible – isn’t it Velvet?
You said the counselor found some lies and secrets. I know that holding on to lies and secrets will only bring pressure, guilt and **** swings – so I worry that you have left money in his account….
And you said the counselor’s attitude was different. Do you mean the counselor is concerned? Confused? Frustrated?
I have no experience at all with counseling of any sort, but I have been reading – a lot! I wonder if the counselor wants to dig deeper to determine what is behind your husband’s addiction? In GA I think this is what they call “Pressure Relief”.
I’ve also read that therapy, if it lasts long enough, can determine the trigger that causes the stress that causes the gambling – which is the coping mechanism for dealing with the stress. Once the counselor determines what is causing the stress they can teach the CG new ways to cope with it.
I hope Velvet will clarify some of this.
Your anxiety is so very understandable – I deal with it every day myself.
Please remember what Velvet said:
Your peace of mind is important.
Trust cannot be hurried (not by you and not by your husband).
When it comes, it is a revelation (you cannot just decide one day that you will trust your husband no matter what you feel in your gut). When this happens, you will feel lighter and more free in your heart – but you don’t feel that yet Ell.
I know I have a long ways to go before I’m ready to take that “leap of faith” – and I’m okay with that, even if my husband isn’t. Can you be okay with that for yourself?
I have to believe that recovery and trust can happen, and that things will feel easier once honesty is maintained – but I also know it is a process that takes time, effort and patience.
You and your husband are 9 months into this process and I think you have made tremendous progress!
Be sure to take care of yourself – no matter how busy you are – and as always, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Adele
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?" Adele
