#2111
jenny46
Participant

Dear El
You are doing well, very well. I am becoming a little facinated by this idea of total trust and what it means. I can only wonder whether I could totally trust my CG. Well let me think !! NO. Well that was taxing, and it is because I believe that the addiction that he has is a life long illness with no ‘cure’ and therefor even the longest of recoveries have the potential to stumble along the way. If the addiction is lifelong then so are the risks.
Just as a CG can become complacent and drop the barriers that have given protection, then my own belief is so can we become complacent and ask for trouble where there is no need to do so. So would I have a joint account, loan etc etc with my partner – absolutely not and if that means I am distrustful then, so what, better than being skint.
I would neither wish to place temptation under the nose of what is an extremely powerful addiction. I guess what i’m saying El is I can trust the person to drag me out of a burning room (well possibly not at the moment !! he might quite like to nail up the door!!) but I will never trust the addiction, not ever and although it is good to be able to separate the addiction from the person, we can never take it away. Therefore good barriers are not signs of distrust they are signs of common sense, and protection for both, they are an indicator of the willingness of both to make a successful recovery.
I am further confused when we discuss at length on this forum the tremendous lies we are told and the elaborate lengths that the addiction is capable of, we recognise fully the damage the lies, above everything else, does to our relaitionships and the core of who we are and then suddenly when the word recovery is mentioned we all suddenly begin to wonder why we either cannot trust or why we are in the ‘wrong’ for not trusting or its just not happening – its interesting to say the least, the terrific amount of pressure that we can place on ourselves, to trust.
I think El good barriers will always be a positive, they can be placed there and left alone, forgotten about, removing the need for a lot of time consuming running around and checking. Trust will happen when and if the time is right when it  happens you will know it has and where it is. Putting the trust issue on to you is only a form of manipulation.
I have gone right off at a tangent to the point I have forgotten what I was going to say in the first place. I think it was going to be along the lines of – there may never be that revelation, that one thing that proves a change is on the horizon, maybe a series of tiny things that grow along the months ahead, good things that are not one offs or designed to convince us that recovery is happening but little things that happen more than once and are not only going to be visible straight after a counselling session. Sometimes we find the answers where we least expect them to be.
Jenny
 We see things not as they are, but through how we are today x