#2112
ell
Participant

I understand everything jenny and Adele wrote me, and girls thank you very much. I m thinking a lot of what you said me.
But  I feel that I’m in  the middle of a serious case now because I must react fair to someone and of course I must protect my insecure.
 And I think that the problem at the end is mine not his….even if he caused the problem I feel that is mine….
Well that’s it in a little word:   (please just suppose)
You married someone 1 year and you found out that he is a gambler.
You talked him he listened immediately.
He never played from that day he stopped.
9 months he is free
He works 2 jobs to pay the debts
You have all the accounts and he gives you receipts every day and he never ask for money
He cut the internet in our home we don’t have he doesn’t need it 
He has now and old model phone with no internet from the first day of his recovery
He doesn’t miss the gamble or the internet( I can say that because  he is not anxious about these things.)
The counselor is ok with his progress 9 months now.
He is always and he was home with his family, never go out alone.
He understand his wife that she is with fears now
He is trying every day for the best of his family. He is commitment to this.
And he is with a smile in his face …..
He don’t argue with you …and he answering whatever you ask him
Suppose that this is your husband.
Everything goes ok until now .
And now is the time after 9 months:  he is telling you that he feels that he doesn’t need the therapist … or to say it better:  not every week
What would you do?
I know that you will tell me that no one could tell you what to do.
But I have to separate my own -my private fears from his early successful recovery.
I don’t know if you can understand me. I think is a red line here. I must be fair enough with him.  I want to see the truth not only my feelings.
He is doing very well and he asks something and because I’m afraid I must do what? I must  castrate him ?????? 
I must not and I don’t want if something scares me just say the excuse to myself, ?? ?ll you are not ready so it is ok to still put up your barriers and say no. No one will tell me that I’m doing wrong because I’m the “victim”. But a third person can understand that maybe you are a little unfair.
But you begin to make yourself ready for something only when someone ask you.
I was shocked the first day from fears.
Now I m in the stage that I must separate my fears from his successful recovery. And I think that I will feel the light. Because from the first day I need a real recovery on him and on our relationship.  
If he will betray my trust is my private fear. He must first have a chance. If he has no chance in an early but successful recovery then I think that I’m a ****** and I’m looking only myself. The best thing is to try to look both.  
I just try to write my thoughts and my feelings but I don’t know if I make sense.
I want to protect me and my fears but I don’t want to do this by just  kicking him out. I think that I have 2 different things in my table but in the same time.
If I never give him what is he asking to try then I m not truly with him, I’m with him only when is ok with me??
I’m trying always to think both sides. But the 2 sides are different and I think that I should find the solution for each side.  is not the  same solution , I suppose , I think .
Forgive me if I don’t make sense. But I know that your answers will help me
Thank you
ell