I wrote this before I saw you had written. I will post this as I don’t have time, at the moment to do more – but I will read and reply to your latest post soon..
You have 2 good replies there.
In my opinion a CG does not have a revelation as to why or how they own this terrible addiction – BUT – it is unnecessary for such a revelation because what they learn and what they can understand is that they can live in control of their addiction. There are many, many theories expounded on the ‘why’. Harry wrote recently that ‘gambling is a reaction to life’. It is not necessarily a reaction I believe of a bad life or a good life.
The most important revelation, the one that I do believe in – and which can only come with time – is the revelation that comes to a non-CG when they have trusted for a long time and not been let down.
Ell I accept that my CG is a compulsive gambler. My joy came from feeling that I was in control of my life again. I accepted that although my CG has his addiction for life, he desires more than anything to live in control of his addiction for life and therefore it was down to me to live my life to the full – just as he was going to do.
I have no idea what my CG discussed in his rehab but it doesn’t matter – his memories were often false anyway so how could he remember or know all he had done – addiction counsellors are aware of this. In the UK we say the proof of the pudding is in the eating, which means that if a true recovery is being lived then that is the proof but it does take time.
CGs begin to see the way of truth when they are in recovery and they become lighter because they have laid a tremendous burden down but it is unfair, I think, to expect them to unpick that burden apart to find the reason ‘why’. Of course they try and work out why, of course counsellors and psychiatrists try and work out why but this is where I have a problem.
I have 3 children – all raised with equal opportunity and love. All of them had support and love and loads of fun and I valued honesty in the home. Why one of my children has the addiction to gamble and the other two do not is beyond my comprehension. I accept though, that it is, the way it is and it is the reason I ‘know’ you cannot get the revelation you want because your husband doesn’t know ‘why’ and that is not an excuse
I have no reason to believe that if therapy lasts longer the trigger that causes the gambling will be found. I believe the ‘right’ counselling; the ‘right’ therapy can be enough even if it is for short time but I do think it is better, for ‘your’ peace of mind that your CG continues for longer – and you are my concern.
CGs do not need to find the cause for a change of life. The counsellor can help the CG think through their behaviour and when the CG really wants to live gamble-free they can teach new ways to cope with life. The only thing that really matters, in my opinion, is that the CG changes and lives a life gamble-free. It is what the non-CG wanted more than anything and I believe we have to try and accept that there are many things we will never know.
Sorry Ell – It does come down to ‘time’ again. It will be your greatest healer along with your husband living a decent life.
If your husband continues as he is, one day you will feel lighter – one day you will feel able to forgive and one day you will feel able to trust. I cannot give you a time scale. I can only tell you that I walked that long lonely road before you – I didn’t force trust and I didn’t force forgiveness. One day I forgave. Later on I realised that I was happy and that I trusted my CG with his addiction – it was not for me to worry about – he was looking after his life and I had learned that looking after mine not only gave me peace of mind but made a difference to him.
I am walking with you Ell and you are doing fine. Don’t worry about signs – just keep going as you are. How else can he prove to you that he is gamble-free than by living gamble-free? It is what I live with and I am content.