Dear Tanya
I am so pleased you found your Gamanon supportive. 
I have brought up to the top the F&F cycle for you to look at and see if it helps you understand a bit more.   You will never make sense of the senseless which is this addiction and in my opinion it is a waste of energy to try but it does help if you can make some sense out of the way you feel.  
You are doing everything you can and you are doing well