#1776
velvet
Moderator

 
Hi Waikanae
It is good to hear from you again.  Although your outcome was not the one you fought for you have changed and you are better equipped for your future.  You have put yourself in a better position physically, financially and mentally and this sadness you feel, I really believe, will pass. 
Yes you did try your best – I know that.   I remember your lovely posts, full of strength and determination – a strength and determination your husband did not share, which was not your fault.    We cannot save everybody and your husband it seems was determined to resist.  
Your husband is not struggling alone – he has his addiction with him, the addiction that he chooses to keep in his life. 
The first days are bound to be the worst.  I would like to say remember the peace you got when you were away from the addiction but I suspect a large part of your mind was always with it.   In time it won’t be.  With regard to the image of him falling – I can relate to that – I cannot tell you what to do – but if it was me I would let the image move on – let him fall and then see him bounce a bit, watch him struggle a bit but then stand up and walk away.   The image is in ‘your’ mind and you can change it.   Our minds are capable of moving on from bad images if we want them it enough and you are strong enough to do it.  
Will you stay in  NZ?
I hope the following will at least make you smile and maybe give you food for thought
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway
It just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back,
the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,
he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
  
It is time for you to have the normal life you crave.  All the ups and down you have lived through have been like the dirt on the donkey but you have climbed up – you can and will survive.
You were supporting his life at the expense of your own and that didn’t help you and ultimately didn’t change him – you could do no more.  
I am saddened that you are sad but I hope that in time you will return and update once again because I believe you are a success to this forum.   Grieve for the end of your relationship but rejoice that the addiction will not harm you further.  
Thank you for coming back with this update – I have often wondered how you were
Velvet