Hi Adele, just like Velvet said, the silence is very common. My hb was the same. He just reacted to me instead of really having a conversation. Disclosing as little as possible in re to the debts he had accumulated, just to test how much I actually knew. He also liked to beat himself up verbally so that I would not get too angry. Other ***** he got defensive and blamed me for what he had done. Addiction talk at its’ best. Why do you think about paying off the payday loans? They are his responsibility and he has to start owning his actions from here on. He can’t eat the cake and keep it. It would only prolong his behavior. I’m very glad for you that your card company called you, they do that nowadays for suspicious charges thank god. I put red flags on all my accounts way back when after my hb ***** some checks from me and successfully cashed one of them. It is very common practice for the banks not to pay much attention when it comes to married couples even though there is only one name on the account. Hide your mail where he can’t find it, no matter what it is. The addiction is much smarter than we think!
My hb never talked much about anything, like I said. Gambling is often an outlet for bottled up feelings that the cg feels uncomfortable sharing with others. A lot of cgs are escape gamblers and a good treatment plan addresses more than just the gambling. I don’t know what state you live in but most have a Council on problem gambling. Great resource for all sorts of info, incl. a list of GA and GamAnon meetings as well as gambling certified counselors. I agree with Velvet, having the intent to do something is great but he is just producing white noise until he really takes action. Here is an example of how the addiction tries to make you comply by given you the hope that the cg is finally willing to fight back. My hb had his disability benefits deposited into my account and after deducting his share for the household expenses I put the rest on a savings account for him for his personal *****. I left for Germany where I spent a month with my family. While I was gone, he changed it to an EBT card and went on a rampage at the casinos. I found out upon my return, duh. Then he disappeared for a week, hiding away at the mental ward of the VA hospital. While he was gone, I made the decision to not play the game anymore, no matter what would happen to me financially. Felt peaceful and free for once. So he came home and ranted and raved about how stupid he was and how he regretted it and on and on. I said nothing. Made some coffee, sat him down and told him that he could say his thing and I would say my thing and then we would be done. My thing was, the charade ends now. No more dancing around the fire. No more of anything. It’s either getting your own place or going into inpatient treatment. I’m done, can’t do anything else and that is that. About 2 months later he left for a 120 day inpatient program and came back a changed man. Not only not gambling but also willing and able to have a real conversation, to verbalize his feelings and most importantly, he finally understood what my daughter and I, his family and friends had gone through. He took responsibility for all his actions incl. the crime he committed.
See, I’m also very good at rambling, lol. My point is that there have to be serious consequences for a cg to feel the need to make changes. Kinda like starving the beast of addiction.
Take care of yourself first, addictions of any kind hate that….