Well, ****!!
It’s a good thing I said I believed him “for the most part” in my last post …  I remember now he hesitated just a beat before he told me he had not gambled the other day.
Does anyone know of an Android phone application on the order of Betfilter that blocks online gambling sites?
I saw a new email from a gambling site so I decided to call him right then. The whole conversation was calm – I was not demanding or outwardly angry – I just asked him to please be honest so we could work thru it … so he admitted he had been using his phone to gamble online –  and I am thankful for that, but …
**** **** **** !!!
It took everything in me to keep from telling him how sick I am of the lies and how this has knocked me to my knees again.  I’m sure I didn’t handle it just right, but I got him to talk about it a little and this is basically what he told me:
He said he was really trying to make himself stop gambling – that it had been hard, but he insisted that he had not been to the casino.
He said he hasn’t gambled on his phone for money in 2 or 3 days, but he has played for points for free. I asked him where he got the money.  He said he’d gotten another debit card on the account he has in Oklahoma and has maxed out the credit card and loan accounts on it again.  I thought he had closed the account to charges, but apparently not. I think I may ask him to send this bank a letter telling them he has problem, requesting that they block him from using the account for anything other than paying the loan balances – then have him copy it to me.
I asked him if he got the same high from playing for points instead of money. He said sort of – that when he wins, he thinks “man I wish I’d had real money on that spin”.  So I asked him how it made him feel when he lost playing just for points.  He got a little animated and said that when he loses it really hits him that he’s very glad he didn’t have real money on it – almost like he felt this was helping him to stop gambling.  ????
After talking about his gambling online with his cell phone, he told me again that he felt like he was making progress even though I might not see it or believe it. I told him that I actually do recognize that he is making an effort to stop gambling, but only because I am working on my recovery and understand better how hard it is for him to do so. I think I may email him and tell him that   had I not reached out for help we would very likely be in the middle of divorce proceedings –  and then ask him to consider where we might be if he had already reached out for help.
 Then I reminded him that I would not put money in his account to pay on his debts until and unless he had stopped gambling and was getting help with his addiction – which he still has not done. .  He told me he has been trying really hard to resist,  and that he wants us to do something special for our 25th anniversary in September – and that’s what is motivating him right now to resist.   This is the first time he’s said anything to me about our anniversary.  I don’t know if his motivation is based on hoping we are still together in September,  hoping my feelings will be softened towards him by then so we can really celebrate,   or if he just means so we will maybe have the money to go somewhere.   I don’t know …
I wish I could be excited about our anniversary and wanted to plan something, but right now I can’t help but think about how much more he might gamble between now and then, and that anything we spend on a trip would be better spent on his debts.  Hopefully we will have a good weekend and talk about it some more.
Lord please help us …
 "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele