#1816
jenny46
Participant

Dear Adele
I see you doing the hard work here to the point where you can lose sight of who you are, as you creep around on eggshells trying to make it right or guarding what you say to him about his behavior or his addiction. How convenient for his addiction to have someone so worn down by it but also desperate for the well being and recovery of that person. Too me that is a powerful combination for the addiction to use to its own devices. It knows you love him, it knows you believe that recovery is possible, it knows your knackered and it probably knows that at ***** your self esteem is at rockbottom – it thinks it knows you and your reactions which is why he is able to spin the most remarkable lies!! I think possibly I see it like this because I have heard very similar on several occaisions to the point they actually become a little predictable but often impossible to see because of all of the above.
I had a gambling conversation with my partner last night and we do have several these days although brief it went something like this he asked me "do you believe you can be one step ahead of this addiction?" to which I replied "No and I would never try to do it again" he said "Good I hoped you would say that" meaning that he knows that I have learned to look after me not that he was hoping to be able to pull a stunt !! I then said to him "Do you believe that if I find out that you have gambled that you will be spending another night under my roof ? " to which he replied "absolutely not" What the conversation showed to me was that through his recovery and mine has grown a mutual respect, I respect the power and capabilities of his addiction and he respects my right not to put up with it.
I used to agonise over the right way to say things or mention the G word and I agree there are more positive ways to put things across than how I often do but if he is telling you lies and has told so many in the past he has a bit of a cheek asking you if you believe him ! in my oppinion. I think my partner now in recovery would tell me I was actually a bit silly if i were to believe everything he said and would not have that expectation.
I guess I am trying to say don’t let his addiction compromise who you are, if you don’t believe him tell him if you feel you can, that no actually you don’t and why would you. Let him wriggle around on his own hook for a while. As V has said strengthen your barriers and look after you. Your feelings are more important than comfort for the addiction.
Words are just exactly that and quite unreliable, if he is serious about his recovery he should be showing a bit more action, taking a bit of the responsibility if not all of it. You cannot shoulder it all Adele or it will bring you down. When I read your posts I don’t see a ‘blob’ I see woman who is doing the best that she can under massive adversity. I see a woman who doesn’t yet realise her own strength but will at some point make it work for her.
You believe in him but nows the time to believe in you
Jenny x
 We see things not as they are, but through how we are today x