Hi Adele
I promised I would reply to your post today. 
I have read and re-read your post and I have made a start on a reply but there is a lot in your words and I want to do them justice.    
Swinging from negative to positive is quite natural for anyone seeking to understand an addiction they do not own.
Never mind sending mixed messages – you are getting mixed messages and that is an active addition in full flood. 
I am going to send this because I said I would reply today.   I have people coming for dinner and I don’t know when they will leave.
I wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and there is lots to say.
I will write fully as soon as I am free