One of the worst feelings in the world is knowing you can’t believe a word that comes out of your spouses mouth and you can’t. You inspired me to take a look at what I was doing to myself. And it wasn’t pretty. I was not proud of who I saw, not only because of the way I had physically let myself go, but intellectually and emotionally as well. I knew I could not keep tearing myself apart trying to keep him from gambling and playing detective. It’s hard to stop when that’s what I have been doing for a while. But if I don’t stop I will totally loose myself.
So I am truly embracing step 1 of our 12 step program. I am not responsible for his gambling, I can’t control it and I can’t stop it. That is verrrry hard to do. But I am already feeling more positive. Will my cg gamble again, more than likely. Will I expend gobs of my energy to figure out what he has already done? No. I have protected myself financially and ultimately my CG. If he really wants to gamble can he get money? Yes. I hope though by the time he manages to find cash he has had enough time to ask himself if it’s worth it and tells himself no. That’s in his hands not mine.
But I am hoping that as he sees me putting my energy into positive efforts he will eventually want the same. And I pray that the desire to be in control of a positive life becomes greater than the willingness to just exist in a negative one. But that shift in desires has to come from him….not me. Not the non-cg.
I have to say my heart breaks watching his internal struggles and I can see the pain in him. It makes it hard to keep my hands to myself and not try to fix it. I can’t fix my CG and you can’t fix your’s. We can’t make this easier for them. We can’t accept responsibility for their gambling. We can’t trail after them waiting for them to fall and then try to pick them back up.
It took me a solid few weeks before I understood what Velvet has been trying to tell me and it’s just that….we can’t fix the CG only ourselves.
I know my CG has noticed my shift in priorities. I’m trying to stay the course.
But I think before you will be able to take care of you and begin your recovery, you need to know your CG’s gambling is not your problem to fix it’s his. You can’t take care of him and you can’t make him better….he has to do that. You can set boundaries for him based upon what you need and you can be a listening ear.
What you are doing I did. That is the only reason I feel I can speak so bluntly. I am keeping you in my thoughts.