It is good to see you back again and with such positivity.
Things ‘changing inside us’ can be scary. I suspect you are afraid that with change you might not like yourself. I think it is a bit like us turning detective. Trust has been an integral part of our lives and snooping is something that is foreign to us – I hated it. It is great that we have this site where we can realise that we are not alone with this behaviour but more importantly to realise that this behaviour passes – we do not spend the rest of our lives mistrusting and digging around looking for something bad. Free of the addiction, trust can return, unless we want to hang on to mistrust thinking it a better way to live – I don’t and I know you won’t!
How well I remember the sledgehammer of truth and the way I fought it tooth and nail. Numbing is exactly the way I would describe the transition between old and new behaviour. Like an anaesthetic it will wear off and you will feel confident again.
You are not thinking about the addiction all the time, or your addicted husband so much because you have sloughed off the need to save him – that is not the same as stopping loving someone. Your husband has two ways of dealing with what has happened – he can either change his life or carry or regardless but without you picking up the pieces all the time. Both ways are changes with implications for him. My CG rode off into the sunset more determined than ever that he was going to prove me wrong – his addiction was going to bring him a life that would amaze everybody.
I would imagine that it is terrifying when a CG flies solo with an addiction that is so holed it keeps crashing – every crash must hurt but determination to prove the addiction is airworthy drives the CG back into the pilot’s seat, blind to the fact that they are not in control. The addiction can struggle on crashing and winching itself up with more bits of wreckage flying off, with the CG constantly struggling to control the inevitable hoping someone will throw them a life-line and keep them aloft.
Without you as his co-pilot you have given your husband the freedom to try and prove his addiction cares about him. You know it doesn’t, I know it doesn’t – you can only wait and pray that ‘he’ will learn soon that it doesn’t. It would appear from his last communication that he is hoping you are still there to save him when he crashes again.
In the meantime you have chosen to live without the addiction in your life. It is a choice I have made and it is unalterable. Something changed in me and I believe it was good and necessary – I have no regrets about the change and I am not hard, so don’t be afraid. You made your informed decision and that is all any of us can do. You have re-taken control of your life and you have allowed him the chance to take control of his.
Recovery for you will be up and down. There will be ***** of doubts and despair, there will be the inevitable ‘what ifs’ and ‘if only’. I can only ****** you that I do not do ‘what if?’ or ‘if only’. There comes a plateau – a peaceful understanding – that you did the right thing for the right reason.
I sincerely hope, along with you, that your husband will change his life but in the meantime I will walk along with you for as long as you want me to because ‘your’ recovery is so very important. I know you will get through this. I love the way you are dealing with your situation. There is no harm in exploring the idea of being single, you have been single for some time already without knowing it and now you are tightening up and protecting your relationship with yourself. Nothing is final; nobody should ever tell you what to do.