Monique, Jenny, Velvet, San – Thank you for your words of encouragement – I really need to hear them.
I do not feel so clear headed and strong right now. The anesthetic has not yet worn off. I am still numb and not at all confident in having the proper coping skills to deal with my CG now that I have taken a firmer stance in rejecting his addiction.
Since we are basically not communicating at all, I don’t think he understands that things are changing with me. He seems to have forgotten that I asked him to go to counseling instead of coming home last time. We had to text each other last night because his Bluebird card was being denied. (This is the card I am able to put small amounts of money on for his gas and grocery purchases – no cash!) His last text was that he was coming home this weekend!
What do I say to him? I think he probably misses me, ***** to get fresh clothes, see the grandbabies, be at home for awhile … and I miss him too … but I’m not sure I’m ready or want to deal with his addiction just yet. I am very definitely “in-between” the old and new way of handling this, and I don’t think I know how to make that clear to him yet.
I’m afraid he will come home, and it will be the “neutral chit chat” kind of thing our time together has become, and he will leave here thinking he can just go on as usual.
Or worse, he WILL have realized something is changing with me, be scared that I’m leaving him, become emotional on me, and it will break my heart.
I feel vulnerable, and I hate that.
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?" Adele