Hi Adele
I have done my homework this morning and now know that ‘Chasing Pavements’ is sung by Adele but your name is Adele to me now though, so I hope that is ok.
I have edited a couple of rep***s that you have had because it is not for any of us to tell another member what they should do. Your story belongs solely to you, you are asking for support to get the next chapter right – the outcome of your book is not determined by anybody else.
Do you have family and friends who are aware of your worry? Unfortunately unless people have lived with the addiction to gamble, their opinions can be very narrow and not supportive. Personally I think it is best to tell others as a statement rather than asking for opinions. You are going to get your knowledge here and you can make your own informed decisions with that knowledge. At no time will I tell you either to leave or to stay – everything will be in your hands.
I am not sure whether you are saying you don’t love your husband and/or you don’t love the man who is gambling with your life. You say you miss him desperately and I understand this because he is lost in addiction and you are walking through the fog of his addiction, without a map and cannot find him.
I don’t know how much you have read on the site and I don’t want to tell you lots of things you already know. Does your husband accept he has a problem?
Although it is not recognized professionally the following is a coping method that many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery to help us cope.
Imagine your husband’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet, although it ever sleeps.
Your husband is controlled by that addiction but you are not. When you threaten that addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument – how often have you found yourself in the middle of an argument without knowing how you got there – that is the addiction enjoyng confrontation that drives you further into confusion. It is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not. Once it is between you, you will only hear the addiction speak and because it only knows ***s and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband cannot comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that if he didn’t *** but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was distorting his mind convincing him that I was ***** because he truly be***ved that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure and did not deserve happiness – he was lost and fought back because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism apart from gambling. The addiction is all about failure for the CG which has no love for the addict or those who love them. However much your husband convinces you that he is in control – he is not.
We do have Friends and Family groups where you will be welcome – the ***** are in the box at the top of this page on the right. We can communicate in real time. Nothing said in that group appears on the forum.
You are strong – you just don’t feel it.
Please post soon, knowing you are among friends.
Velvet
