Your grievances are not petty, you do need healing and I hope you feel you have come to a place that is right for you – you are certainly very welcome.
The most important line I feel in your post is that you feel your spirit is slowly dying and that is what I hope sharing time with us on this forum will change for you. If our spirits die it is because we allow them to die but you have the ability to change. You have untapped strengths, your husband’s addiction is his – nor yours.
I did not recognise my CG and I could not love the active CG, my house was a disaster, my life was a mess but I don’t deserve admiration for changing my life. There comes a point where I think we have to make a choice but I believe it is better to make choices when we are fully informed and that is what I would want you to be.
I cannot tell you what to do. I believe that given time you will know what is right for you. I don’t think you should run after anybody and I don’t think you should give up on you – I know that was not quite what you meant but it is my first thought.
I was closing my computer, as I was going to bed, when I saw your post but I will write to you tomorrow. You were very brave to write such a post and I’m glad you did.
If you read this before I get a chance to write again – please tell me a bit about what your marriage was like before the addiction took hold. Do you have children?
You are not alone Adele. I will walk with you for as long as you need me. I understand and will continue to understand, all you say.
I don’t know whether you know the words of ‘Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow’ but I hope they help.
There are two days in every week about which we should not worry; two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Al the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot ***** a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediae control.
Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendour or behnd a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is as yet unborn.
This leaves only one day – TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow – that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness of something which hapened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us therefore LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I will write soon