I keep asking myself how much more I can take. It’s not really like I have a choice, though. If I don’t somehow handle things, I’ll be the one going down in flames. I was reading thourgh things and one of the phrases, how it’s hard to "keep track" because of all that has gone on, struck me.
I feel so tired. An attorney reviewed the divorce decree and pointed out something I wasn’t aware of. Since we have no assets other than the house, and I didn’t ask for as much in personal property, I have to wait til the house sells (and I come after the attorney portions) to be "equalized". This attorney pointed out that if the house "short sells" (for less than sufficient), my "judgment" for property equalization isn’t protected. At all. Meantime, I had found additional evidence of extensive gambling and it tied into previous Court cases (he had filed against me). In other words, when he was supposed to be in COurt, because he was trying to get me limited from our children, he was in a casino, out of state and preventing my exercising "first right of care" for our children. Under false pretenses, as he lost the first suit by default (being in the casino, though then that was not known to me or the Court). Second time, because I spent thousands on legal and he had no case …
So the date of deadline for filing in this most recent divorce, I sat in the Court and wrote up a pro se motion for reconsideration, based upon ***** to the Court and extrinsic *****, as well as some other issues. My attorney stated she would not represent me in anything other than a bankruptcy proceeding. For some reason, she has not signed off (withdrawn) and there has been no action on my filing. It is like it "disappeared". I know that my ex also filed paperwork the same date, and his motion was "dismissed". I can’t think it takes so long to rule something on a motion, so it looks like I will have to find out what is going on. I am going to cry if someone is depriving me, again, of my rights.
I’m also wiped out, emotionally and physically, from everything that has gone on and I am feeling now how "punitive" the decree feels. My husband has been seeking now for me to pay the mortgage and utilities on a place I don’t want to be in but can’t afford to leave, as he has refused to pay the previous judgement. A realtor is coming tomorrow, but there are dog pee stains in the carpet and numerous things that need to be done. Every time we have sold, I have had to do all the work. And again, I have to do all. I know that if I DO leave before the house sells, it is VERY UNLIKELY TO SELL AT ALL as long as he is alive and has something to say about it. If I can’t get some money together, I can’t get out of here. I already applied to a helping fund to try to get some of the needed repairs (that I CAN’T do and I have, by necessity, learned to do a lot) to my car done so I could get another job. My car is not reliable and have almost lost the one job I have left as a result. After going through all the app process, it was turned down – no funds. There are no resources other than "coping".
I am just unsure how long I can last, "coping" while the last few resources I have seem to be dwindling away. I tried to get charges filed in regard to an incident where he came bounding into the house and stood up against my chest, threatening me and that in front of our teen-age daughter. The officer never sent it in for prosecutor review so the last few months, with the statute looming, I tried to get answers. I sent the prosecutor’s office a recording of the incident, but I think the deadline has passed. Turns out the officer’s report doesn’t reflect what happened at all. I was so distraught after husband left that I couldn’t even find my divorce papers and I told him how I’d been threatened, etc. I know that sometimes you can get restitution for criminal things and I have paid a lot, in counseling, including for illnesses I don’t have, as well as legal fees, for his lies that I abuse our children, etc. To have the police of all people, pick and choose and misrepresent is just killing me. I’m crying a lot because every avenue of hope seems to close off; all I am left with is more debt and I had no hope, if I didn’t legally try to protect myself. And even with that, I didn’t have much hope, it seems. I’m still a hostage, unless I want to go live in the street or shelter, and leave what is mine behind.