I feel a little better. The realtor came by today; that’s been a hurdle because of all the animals (2 dogs and 3 cats). Since I had come back years ago in the "one down" position, there was a lot I haven’t had much say in. Sort of hurts to realize how much that has been mine by right as well as having earned it has been usurped, but if I CAN get through this (I feel so burnt out and exhausted at *****) things will have to be better.
I already know that "he knows" I CAN make it without him. Since I refused to obey his demand to "get out" when he first filed, I knew he was going to "punish" me. That is something I have learned; he thinks he has some God-given right to do so. Had that ever shown early on, there’d be none of this going on now.
My therapist and people on another support forum have strong feelings (and I agree) that the addiction is complicated by personality disorder issues. I guess my biggest concern is getting money and getting out. I am more or less a hostage in a very rural area and my car is unreliable, which has made it difficult to pursue additional employment. After two years + of having attorney fees of about $450/month, my finances are ravaged. This month and last, I have finally gotten to the point where 3 of my bills are "too hard" to pay. I hoped for a better outcome, such as him paying the judgment he owed, which would have been sufficient for me TO leave. But he has refused and dragged that along, knowing it would cost me in attorney fees while he would feel no additional pain. His pay was recently garnished, but haven’t received any funds there, either.
I had to get a protective order, because of his smashing things, threats and all. I know most of his actions are designed to intimidate me into caving in, but I am actually honestly anxious, as there is obviously no "sense" to his actions, considering that all I asked (having been through all with him before) was 6 months of peace to pay down my debts and save some money to move. He could have had the divorce much sooner and the whole equity, for all I cared. Nothing is worth this destruction.
Since I have been proactive in protecting myself and responding to his wrong actions, I really don’t think the desire he has (to punish me) has gone away. I don’t know whether there is any good reference material to sort of get a feel of how he might try to play against me. But I would like to have some peace; this feeling of being on tenterhooks and always waiting for "something" to happen is very draining. Or maybe I’m over-anxious and shouldn’t be, that exposure will keep some actors at bay, if they care about the exposure possibly limiting their freedom or public image? I’m still sort of lost on all this and trying to fight back or rouse myself from the apathy, shock, being "burnt out" trying and making one step forward and his actions setting me back 3. He doesn’t want me, but he refuses to let me go on, especially with the prospect of being able to have some semblance of a rational life out of here. He honestly would have no problem with me being forced into a shelter or my car, and I want to avoid that. Without his interferences (misusing legal processes and ignoring Court orders), I would have been quite happily gone some time ago. I know he’s been enraged by my actions, but I haven’t done anything immoral, illegal or unethical, knowing that it was in my best interests to try to work amicably but without letting myself be thrown to the street.
I just called a place that helps coordinate community help services; I met with the woman in one of the programs previously and explained how I am overwhelmed; rather than calling around piecemeal for help, hoping she can help me sort out this disaster a bit. But have scheduled an appointment for next week and going to try to make some other contacts.