#1429
truth-be-told
Participant

  Thank you for your kind words hearing from all of you does help, my friends do not believe that gambling is an addiction, and when I do tell the one or two people I believe I could trust with this type of stuff, they do show concern for my feelings but have no idea how to help or what to do because it is to unreal for them, and then I feel ashamed because they live some what normal lives. My mother actually has been writing  casino checks for 500 dollars a week , which over drafts her bank account (puts it in the negatives) until her paycheck comes in, so she is already in trouble financially she literally has to do this every week or she will owe her bank hundreds of dollars and then she will go to jail for writing bad checks. Usually this would frighten me, but I know longer care what happens to her, only myself. She paid the rent so we wouldn’t get evicted she’s negative 650 in her bank account now and doesn’t have the rent for this month because the rent she paid was for last month. So she has got her self caught up in a very bad cycle, she’s not just gambling with her money, she’s gambling with her life and her well being. I may not be able to go to school now, but I am determined to go. I have this fear in my heart that I will some day end up like her, so I probably will never gamble as long as I live, she has mental problems I understand and it saddens me that I am not enough for her to stop, but I pray that she one day finds the strength within her self to do so. It’s hard hearing your mom beg for money , she often doesn’t have money to get to work and she’s a traveling nurse so she ***** gas money, she’s been fired once for her irresponsible tendencies, calling out because she’s to tired from being at the casino for days and not coming home to sleep, she has even slept in her car at the casino woken up and returned back to gamble. Like I said originally she doesn’t address the fact that she has a problem and that she is hurting anyone, she comes into my room and she pretends as if nothing is the matter and this sickens me. I refuse to call her mom and now address her by her first name. I actually did speak with a school counselor once about her gambling, I didn’t mention how bad it was because until we started getting eviction notices and cut off notices, I didn’t even know she was this deep into it. She always had an excuse why she was so broke and it was never ever because of her gambling, she often blamed it on the fact that she wasn’t married and had no one to help her. I guess she figured her husband would pay all the bills, while she blew her check at the casino, how selfish can you be. I can’t even look at her without wanting to cry. I guess I am grieving the loss of my mother, at first I was in denial and then I was angry and now I am depressed but then comes acceptance and understanding, and by then I will be long gone, I hope . Unfortunately for me I have to get away from her before she can destroy anything else, I am not even going to finish out my last year with my graduating class, I’m moving in with a friend’s family in Florida. I really don’t want to move away from all of the things I have grown to love and probably will resent her for a long time, but she’s in her late 50’s she had me at a very late age and I know her time on earth is limited, I really wanted as much time with her as possible, I wanted some memories of her I could maybe keep with me and pass on to  my kids, and I have nothing. I don’t know any of my other family members because she moved us far away from them following one of her friends to pa (born in nj) when I was a baby, and she never bothers to do anything with them or for them, everything is about her. Maybe on day I’ll try and find them but for now it looks like I am on my own. Luckily for me I will be old enough to make decisions for myself soon, if anyone knew what she was doing I would probably be taken to foster care and that’s even worse then being alone  in the streets, so I am glad that I am almost of age to be on my own, and who knows maybe some day I can help someone who is going through what I am going through. I just wish I hadn’t had this operation now, I wouldn’t have realized how much she does not care about me because I wouldn’t need her to take care of me, but I surprise myself everyday  with all the things I have figured out how to do while temporarily handicap, you just have to be patient and you will find away.