#1559
velvet
Moderator

Dear San
I hope you are almost asleep – most of what I was going to say to you I have just said.  It is great to talk in real time.  
As I said I was already writing to you when the group started.  I have looked at what I had written and deleted  most of it.   I will leave part of it though as a reminder of what I said.
Your son is being a naught boy involving his sister so much.  I think it would be a good idea if she told him she cannot be the intermediary and he must talk to you direct – and then you get your partner to vet all the calls.  Is it possible to get her to understand a little of what enablement is without distressing her?   Unfortunately as she is in the UK we are not funded to support her but she can read the forums.  If she could understand that passing the messages on feeds his addiction maybe it would help.    I know it is difficult – siblings tend to have their own point of view!
It is really sad but he is using her and there is no other word for it.    If she feels really pushed by her brother perhaps she could try Gamanon – the physical support from a good group is brilliant.
I can understand that it is ***** like this when you wish that those around you spoke the same language so that you could just unwind.   We go to France every year and I manage the language fine until something goes wrong and then it seems everything speeds up and is unintelligible.  
Keep posting and keep doing what you are doing now – although I would strongly recommend not listening to the bile you are receiving because it doesn’t help you or your son.   As I said I think you could be in for the long haul and you need your strength to cope – if you throw everything into the ‘now’ you will have nothing left for the future when he does want to change.   Listening to horrible things weakens us even if we think we can cope with it – it is a better world where we don’t hear it.   Your son is not saying what is in his heart – it is his addiction talking and there are no holds barred when it wants enablement.   One threat is no different to all the others.   You know you don’t think the things he says you think and you are not the person he implies you are – his words are therefore not worth listening to.  
I hope there are a load of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz’s coming from you bed – another day completed.
V