#1547
monique
Participant

Dear San
I am so glad you can enjoy music and comedy and take joy in daily life.  That is wonderful.
As a mother, I would say it is completely ‘normal’ to think about your son every day and to wish to know that he is alive and well.  I can identify totally with that. 
I have those feelings about my daughter, who does NOT have any addictions and who is living a good and full life – but her work can mean that she is travelling alone in countries of which I know very little, so I still await those precious messages that tell me all is well.
I believe that parenthood gives us a bond and strength of feeling like no other.
When there is no addiction or other major divisive problem, we can reach out, maintain those contacts and feel uncomplicated joy, when the adult ‘child’ reassures us that he/she is safe and well.
Sadly, I think that addiction drastically complicates this bonded relationship and it is very difficult working out how to remain a loving parent, whilst not becoming an enabler, nor making ourselves sick with anxiety.
It is always hard to explain, but you will know when you have found your way through this; you will feel lighter, less worried and able to ‘let your son be’, and you will even believe that he will be safe enough to survive.  At ***** I have desperately wanted to do what was needed to make sure my son was housed, fed, clothed and safe.  When he reached a stage of losing his job and home and still did not choose for himself to go into rehab, I think I really knew HE still felt he could continue his lifestyle and survive.  Even then, I tried to ensure he could get a hostel place in his city (hundreds of miles from my home).  For some time, I did not know where he was, but in time found out that he had managed to persuade someone to take him into her home as an unofficial lodger.  I still do not know when he will reach HIS rock-bottom and truly know for himself that he ***** to enter recovery.
But I have truly found that I do not worry in that constant way I did in the past.  I am not complacent and know that I might go backwards, if there is another ‘crisis’, but I am coping better for now.  Also, I think that my son is less likely now to ask for my ‘help’ whilst still unwilling to seek recovery, because I did not rush to get him out of his difficulties last autumn.
I know this is MY story and you are not me, your son is not my son, but I offer you my experiences and will be pleased if they help you a little on your journey.
All good wishes, Monique xxKeep hope alive.