#2392
velvet
Moderator

 
Hi Babz
I hurried to my computer this morning and was re***ved to see that you had rep***s from Twilight and Dawn, both with a different perspective but like you and me – w are all sharing the same goal.
As I said before I don’t know how much you know about this addiction – you are actually doing so well with it. The reason your husband ***s is because he knows no other way to handle his situation. He is, as a child, caught doing something he should not have done and he ***s. An adult ***** is very difficult and most of us back away the first few ***** it happens, not wanting to be***ve the obvious. Once the addiction has learned our weakness it never gives up. *** upon *** follows, even ***s for no reason. It becomes the normal way of life but it distorts the CG’s mind. When the CG looks back on what has happened and how they dealt with it they only see the ***. Their ***s have become their truth. 
CGs need support and help to overcome this way of handling situations. They also need to learn to trust. Your husband appears to have the added problem that his father also struggles with truth. Your husband, if he can control his gambling, will not be able to trust his father and that is why it is so important that you are honest in your dealings with him. Don’t threaten anything unless you mean it. Don’t tell him that life is one thing if it is another – he ***** to hear truth. His addiction is the master of manipulation and if we make idle threats or *** to cover things the CG will not trust us. 
I find the way you have dealt with your situation incredibly mature. Your children have one very responsible parent – you should be very proud of yourself.
While your husband is waiting for his referral to the addiction team would you consider telling him about this site? We do have a wonderful Live Advice Helpline, contactable in the top right hand box by clicking ‘connect’ (as you did last night) when the helpline is open. They can help your husband as you and I cannot. They will support and understand and there will be no judgement. It is run by CGs who are in long term control of their addictions and also a dedicated counsellor. The CG groups are there for him too as is the forum ‘My Journal’.   If you are worried about him recognising you, we can alter your username and/or even make your thread invisible – not deleted. The group is obviously a place he cannot enter.   Personally I did not read anything my CG ever wrote as I be***ve this site is a place where the individual gets their support and that is what I feel we all want. 
I cannot judge your father in law. It would appear that he has deep issue too but if those issues are affecting you or your husband then it is important, I think, to keep him out of the equation as much as possible.   I understand your resentment only too well but don’t let it cloud your judgement. What he is saying is irresponsible and plain daft so it is not worth fretting over but is worth trying to ignore. His mother, maybe is the stronger link even though she probably doesn’t feel it. Behind all over-bearing fathers, in my opinion, there is a woman trying to get out unless she has been so beaten down she has no will of her own. 
The finest way you can support your husband is to look after you. Your husband’s life is chaotic and he will have caused a lot of grief.   If he really wants to change he will have to look at that chaos and grief and take responsibility for it. It takes great courage to do so. If you are part of the wreckage of his addiction then his task is greater.   So for yourself, your children and your husband put you first, make sure that you are healthy and looking after your *****. We cannot make our loved ones stop gambling but we can make a difference if they want to control their addiction but as victims we can’t change anything. 
I was a victim Babz and I was pathetic. Fortunately for me my CG went into rehab and I put my recovery before his. It meant that when we tried to rebuild a broken relationship we had both advanced in our recoveries – we were both on our way to being whole again. 
Has your husband heard about Gordon House? It is a terrific rehab centre. If he is interested you can get information from our Helpline either by contacting in the top right hand box or using the ‘Email Us’ at the top of this page.
You sound a terrific person and you deserve a lot of support. I am glad you have found us
Velvet
 
  Velvet