Dear Looking,
I am copying my post to Porkpie here with only a few modifications – because I know you need to hear back from somebody. I’m sorry I’m not the best one to respond to your questions, but here it is….
I am in a very bad place with my cg at the moment and have not posted here for several days.
But I just read your post and see that no one has yet replied so I am compelled to respond – even tho I am not capable of giving you the answers you seek. Our advisor for this forum – Velvet – is away for a few days or I am certain you would already have benefitted from her comforting wise words.
There is no judgement here, so it is difficult for me to word this properly since I am vulnerable right now, and I am fairly new to this site myself.
However, I can speak from my experience and what I have learned from reading many stories here, and utilizing the resources provided by this site. You can read Family and Friends stories in this forum, or CG’s stories in the My Journal forum, and look in to the Resources tab above, and get in to one of the live sessions to the right – the Live Advice Helpline is one-on-one. It has been most helpful to me.
I can only tell you that I have been married almost 25 years and our love has survived many challenges in that time. I have never seriously considered ending my marriage until this monster addiction appeared in our lives 2 years ago.
I have come to know that it takes much more than love to overcome this thing. I know if I choose to stay in this marriage that my husband’s addiction will be the biggest challenge we have ever faced in 25 years! It is something we will fight and live with for the rest of our lives – that no matter what barriers are implemented to prevent his gambling, he will find a way if he does not whole heartedly commit to pursuing recovery for himself. And even when and if he does make that commitment (which he hasn’t), I will never be able to let my guard down completely for this addiction can return suddenly at any time. Our relationship is changed forever.
If you love your CG very, very much and want to make a life with him, you must be ready to immerse yourself in to gaining the knowledge about his addiction that you will need to take care of yourself and your children and to protect your finances. You will only unwittingly enable his addiction without this knowledge (as will your families and friends), and your life will be filled with lies, financial troubles, broken dreams and heartache. If you read my thread you will see all the barriers I’ve put in place to prevent my husband’s gambling – he has no cards, no checks, his SS number is constantly monitored and his name is not on my new checking and savings accounts – and still he finds a way.
Velvet speaks of many success stories – including her own. So I know it is possible to do this. But it will be a long, bumpy, sometimes jolting road Looking. Know that. Your CG cannot tell you he will stop and then do it – because he simply is not capable of doing that without help. No matter how hard he tries to convince you of that – it just is not possible.
And it is my understanding from what I have read, that anything – friendly poker games, lottery, bingo – anything that has the potential for providing the adreneline rush of a win must be banished from your lives. It is a difficult concept at first, but I think it is crucial to accept that gambling, in any form, simply cannot be a part of your life.
Please – read Velvet’s post titled the "F&F Cycle". And, on my thread and many others, you can find her post about the "Slavering Beast". Read, read, read Looking. That’s the best advice I can give you. And hang in there, Velvet will back in a few days, and I’m sure others will post here that have much more knowledge and experience with this than I. Weekends apparently are "slow" on this site.
My heart goes out to you, for I truly know what you are feeling. For me it’s like this shivering electrical shock that starts at the top of my head and races down my body each time I discover another deception. Then I’m angry and hurt, and eventually I just feel numb and foggy.
I have found hope here, and I am trying to find the tools to take care of myself, no matter what I decide. I sincerely hope you will do the same.
Keep posting.
Adele
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?" Adele
