Hi Juju
I said I would write but I have not had time to do so ear***r and I apologise.
I am not a be***ver that we should always trust a gut instinct but when it comes to the addiction to gamble it is probably better for your health and safety not to trust when you see the red flags f***** as you have.
I understood only too well your conflict with you IPad present – you wanted to be***ve it was ok but your fears could not be allayed. Unfortunately if his addiction is still active you would have been right to not trust but his addiction would have been pleased to see your confusion.
You may have seen the following on other threads but because it has been so useful to so many as a coping mechanism, although it is not recognized professionally, I do repeat it for you because you are trying so hard to make sense of the senseless and I know it is not possible.
Imagine your husband’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet, although forever watchful.
Your husband is controlled by that addiction but you are not. When you threaten that addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation. How often have you found yourself in the middle of an argument and not know how you got there? The addiction wanted that row. It is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not. Once it is between you, you will only hear the addiction speak and because it only knows ***s and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband cannot comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that if he didn’t *** but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was distorting his mind convincing him that I was ***** because he truly be***ved that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction is all about failure for the CG which has no love for the addict or those who love them. However much your husband convinces you that he is in control – he is not.
Did it help to write your first post which was so brilliant? Another massive coping mechanism that I used was to write a secret journal. I took all the pain and put it in writing – never to be read by anyone. I used to take things that had hurt me and type furiously with spelling mistakes, capital letters, underlining and strong swearing with words I never use out loud . My fingers learned to move like wild-fire and when I had finished each session I would feel drained but there was also a feeling of release, as that particular pain was no longer whizzing round my brain causing me to lose my ability to cope. I never re-read what I had written but printed the pages off and I kept them in a secret file. I didn’t feel the need to re-read them because somewhere other than my mind my pain was held for me.
I have also heard about people writing things that hurt them and then burning them but I didn’t want to destroy what I had done – it was like an external hard-drive for my mind – a place to hold my pain.
I did eventually destroy them when my CG changed his life but even then I destroyed them over a long period, one page at a time. Nothing about this addiction comes quickly or easily.
It is my be***f and hope that you will gain strength by sharing on these pages. I don’t know what your outcome will be – over the years our members have travelled on every road and arrived at many different destinations but none of those outcomes are ever judged, we have to make of our lives what we will. I be***ve that with knowledge though we can make informed decisions.
I will close now but I hope this will help you understand that you cannot make your husband feel your pain but what you can do is to look after the person who matters most and that is ‘you’. As a victim of this addiction we are powerless but once we realise that we are in control of our lives we can move mountains.
Please write again soon – now you are on our radar, we do care.
Velvet
