Hi Goldenharp,
I am a compulsive gambler. I have a boyfriend that has been through virtually the same thing you have. I’m so sorry that you’ve found yourself in this position.
Here’s what helped for me/us:
1. Stan confronted me with a list of his boundaries and requirements. He made it perfectly clear and there was no wiggle room.
2. He told me that I will not have any access to his earnings. He began protecting himself and looking after his interests. My pay was deposited into our joint account and immediately transferred to his account.
3. He demanded all of my credit cards and debit cards. He provides me with money in a joint account (not the household bank account) a little at a time. Basically, no cash. So, if I tell him I need grocery money. He asks how much. I give him a figure and he transfers that money into the joint account. He then goes online to ensure I used the money only for groceries and asks for a receipt.
4. I was to ban myself from all casinos and provide him with documentation that I’d done so. You can also put blockers on the computer so he can’t access gambling websites;
5. He asked for a list of all debts including banks, family, payday loans, pawned items, anything and everything I owed.
6. I was to get counselling. It was my choice what I thought would work for me, but the options were Gambler’s Anonymous, indivdual counselling and online support.
7. Honesty, honesty, honesty! I needed to work on being honest with him about everything.
8. He made the consequences very clear and told me that if I couldn’t get this under control, I was to pack my bags and get out.
Stan and I are deeply in love and this is working for me. It’s not perfect. I have gambled a little. Some call it a slip. I call it a ***. It’s way better now because he and I are communicating and working on this together, but truth be told…this is MY problem, not his. This is my responsibility, not his. He’s being a great support, but being an addict means people do many dishonest things. So, the fact that you don’t trust him is completely understandable. ***** use it to make you feel guilty, but that’s what addicts do.
The best advice I can give you is to protect yourself and learn what being an enabler is all about. I know it’s harsh to think of yourself as an enabler, but unfortunately, that’s what you’ve become. Seriously consider attending Gam Anon or get individual counselling. Focus on you and not on him. You won’t change this and you can’t. You can support him, but it’s all up to him. Oh, and it’s virtually impossible for an addict to "cure" themselves. He ***** help, period.
All of this is working for us and we keep refining it. For example, I figured out how to get money without Stan knowing and gambled. I confessed and we blocked that option. Even though I banned myself from the casinos in my area, I went anyway and didn’t get caught. Once again, I confessed to Stan and then called the casinos personally and told them to burn my face into their minds and not to let me in again. So, it requires modification as you go sometimes. We as compulsive gamblers are very sneaky and much like a puppy locked in a backyard can find the smallest hole to escape.
Please take whatever you think will help you here and just toss the rest. Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions and I wish you all the best with this most horrible situation.
CrystalLife isn't that difficult…people make it difficult. It's simple, let go and move on OR hold on and stay stuck.
