#2005
leaving
Participant

Hi Mzr123,
Just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain! I have been married 12 years and have 3 children also. I first came to this forum some 3 years ago when I discovered the extent of my CG’s gambling. It was a dreadful shock, but the irony of it was that I was the one made to feel guilty and confused! Your CG’s threats to leave are probably just that… threats! Cleverly devised to make you feel that YOU are the one in the wrong. My CG constantly threatened to leave, I tiptoed around for years enabling his behaviour… feeling I couldn’t even talk to him as I hated getting my head bitten off. I became a "watchdog", secretly going through his statements, checking his frequented websites on the laptop, checking the local pub carparks for his car, going through his glove box, looking for MORE proof that I wasn’t wrong, that he was gambling. As my snooping escalated, his secrecy worsened (which in hindsight, I think he thoroughly enjoyed). He got a storage unit with swipe cards and double locks that I was not permitted to go into. He started locking the glove box in his car which was an immediate warning bell for me. I would sneak his carkeys in the middle of the night and check it. Sure enough, I discovered daily expenditures of $40- $90 just on lottery tickets. This time, I organised a family intervention with the children present. They witnessed first hand his denial, even though I had the lottery tickets in my hand! I gave him handbooks from local gambling organisations. He refused to read them, I diligently took them out of the rubbish every day and put them back on the coffee table. They were never read. My point is, unless your CG acknowledges the problem, and gets help, it will be very difficult to trust him again. I left a month ago. I have left in the past too and gone back when he told me he couldn’t believe how stupid he had been. But his "remorse" was always shortlived. Last night, I discovered that my CG is now using on-line casinos. He has no money, but still he gambles.  I felt anger that his love of gambling exceeded his love for me. I wondered why I ignored the early warning signs. I see now that I have to let him be. I can’t change him, just as you can’t change yours. I feel deep sorrow, I wonder if ***** ever realise that he really is condemning himself to a lifetime of loneliness and despair. I guess there must be eternal optimism in all of us, but I feel my little spark of hope has been well and truly snuffed out. It’s time for me to heal now. I hope you too can heal, but like me, you may need to do it without your CG.  All best to you x