I feel like a *****. I try to stay calm to the addition and stand firm, but inside I’m a mess. I want things to be normal. I want to have a normal day/night with my husband. I want to be able to have a normal conversation with him without feeling like he is trying to antagonize me. I don’t want to take everything he says and does so **** personally. I want to know he loves me. I want to know when he leaves this house he is going where he says he is. I want him to be there for me. I don’t want to feel alone. I don’t want to be mad and frustrated. When I look at him I want to see everything he has given me not everything he has taken. I want to feel strong not brittle and ready to break. I don’t want to feel like I am hiding half of myself and my life from everyone. I want my kids to know I am there for them and be there for them. I don’t want to think that they would be better off with a different woman as a mother. I don’t want to feel like quitting. I don’t want to get upset over stupid little things.
I want to be the old me or at lease a little saner than what I am.