Velvet, maybe this is what you have been trying to tell me when you tell me to take care of myself first….
I have come to the realization that I can not save him, I can not make him truly want to be clean and in trying to do both of those I am turning myself into a very ugly and unhappy individual. He is going to GA, however I do not think the frequency of when he gambles has decreased. The slips that he calls them are just part of his normal gambling behavior. He hasn’t changed a thing except go to GA and say he ***** help. Now I am not minimizing GA or when he says he ***** help….however I think he is using that as a “cover”. He knows that is what he should be doing and saying, I think he would like that very much but I do not think he truly WANTS it….maybe quite yet. Or if he does want it, he wants me to do it for him by babysitting him. Which I have been doing. And that is wearing me out.
So I am stepping back. I will protect my family financially, protect myself and the kids from the ugliness of the disease, but I can not protect him. I can not any longer be his baby sitter/care taker. It is turning me into a ticking time ****. I bury my frustrations and then I explode. And I feel like the addiction is scrambling my brain, sucking out any strength or self confidence I had left in me.
I am NOW putting me and the kids first. I love him and I would love to help him, but I can’t because he doesn’t want to take responsibility for the addiction. He wants someone to make it go away for him. Maybe now that I am not pouring all of my energy into him I can now start putting myself back together. Instead of seeing someone that doesn’t care about their appearance or if they finish a project, I will see someone that wants her life back and is taking the right steps to do that. Putting emphasis on rebuilding family relationships, including with my own children, and enjoying the things I love again.
As I type this I know that sounds all great and awesome, but I still have a sadness in my heart because I am afraid I will loose him to his addition. It’s a very large fear. He has taken some positive steps I will not deny him those successes, but I can’t do this for him and I think that’s what he wants.
I hope I’m not making a mistake, but I am close to loosing my mind and no good to anyone like that. Obviously what I have been doing is not working. I heard this phrase…the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That’s where I’m at. It’s now time to place me and the kids first.