Part of the reason I have not been around is I have been very busy with work. The other is I am having a hard time moving forward. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I am afraid once I start moving forward I will leave my CG behind and loose my husband. As I type that I guess if that is what happens then that’s on him not me. I know where I need to be at and I like I said, am afraid that will cause my CG to pull away even more. I am getting better at eliminating arguments or stopping them before both of us are beyond understanding. I know he will not tell me what I want to hear (that he understands and loves me and will make us better…my fairy tale). I know it I just don’t like it. I am really struggling with feeling alone. That actually is the worst for me.
I am spending more time with the kids. Especially my 13 year old. The 17 year old is busy with friends and grad parties, basically being a normal 17 year old. I finally made the decision to tell them about the addiction. For two reasons, one being that I needed to make sure they were not leaving money ****** around and they were not giving him any money. How sad that he has sunk so low as to ***** from the kids. Two I wanted them to know the problem between us. He has changed in personality so drastically that I wanted them to know it wasn’t because of them or me. I wanted them to know that the addiction was altering his judgement and thoughts, to not take it personally. My 17 year old seemed to understand; my 13 year old was angry and is doing better at understanding as much as you can.
He still has an appointment tomorrow and says he is going. I do not think I will go with. We have had a rough weekend; he dropped the **** on me that he owed two people he works with money. I am so sick of the surprises. Even though I try to focus on me, it seems like the addiction knows this and tries to pull you back in. I told him if he owed people money I could write a check to them directly with gambling debt in the memo or they could come and get the money from me. I wasn’t giving him cash. So one individual came over after work to get the money. I still don’t know if it was legitimate. I was so angry and frustrated…when will this end. I feel like in those instances I do turn into the crazy lady. On top of that I resigned as president of an organization. I had access to the organization’s funds which he took advantage of. So I replaced the cash and resigned. I could not run the risk of it happening again. Honestly I was overwhelmed with work, home, CG and this organization, so I probably should have resigned sooner, but it still stinks.
I also have RA (rheumatoid arthritis) and I have my first doctor’s appointment this Thursday. I am doing a serious sticking my head in the sand and do not want to deal with this. It’s one other thing that I have to take care of and process. And I am fresh out of processing ability. I have not really talked to him about it. I mean what’s the point I’ll be supporting myself (which I have not been doing well).
So all of the above lead to the perfect storm on Saturday when he told me he owed guys money. I turned into the crazy lady. I myself do not know how to deal with it so she kicks in and she doesn’t hold much back. He ended up leaving which was probably best. I wish I could leave just walk away from the problems.
On a positive note I am doing a massive overhaul on the garage. You could have gotten lost in that place…I like to do wood working and there was odds and ends, salvaged stuff I picked up along the way. So it’s now in the process of getting organized. That will be a small accomplishment.
Adele I will take the time to catch up with you this evening. I had a few minutes and wanted to journal.