Well it’s been a week since I last posted. I have so much to say I’m sure I will miss something and gloss over other points. I missed posting but honestly I have not been ready to until now. I feel like I have messed everything up and I don’t know where to go to from here.
To start with he had been gone for two days when I had to cart my cranky self to the Urgent Care (in our area that’s like the ER but for smaller issues). I had been not feeling well, more than flu like symptoms, but didn’t want to go to the doctor because I wanted to save money. Well that intelligent idea ended up costing me more money. A trip to the urgent care, IV antibiotic drip, and antibiotic…that will be $550 please. To top it off I was so sick by that point, that they called my emergency contact (guess who that is..).to come and get me. He was freaking out feeling guilty etc etc. I knew I could have taken care of myself but it was a whole lot easier to have someone to help and I wasn’t calling my parents because then I would have to explain why my husband wasn’t there and I had shipped the kids off until I could sanitize the house. No, I had not told my parents. I did not want to hear their negativity or comments. So he slept on our couch, I wouldn’t let him stay in the spare bedroom. He was awesome. It was almost like it was before. He was so open. Told me things I had no clue about; really I felt was honest for the first time. Making some jokes about some of the stuff he told me but also getting quite emotional. I thought getting sick was the best thing that could have happened.
I have been up and about since Thursday and he is still at the house. We have been enjoying a calm period, a pretty honest period for us. I was starting to open back up and he was responding well. I felt like I was not having to screen every word that came out of his mouth looking for a hidden meaning. It was nice.
On Sunday I was using his computer to check my work email because mine was having software downloaded on it. My intention was not to snoop. I started to type the address for my email provider in the web bar and some of the history popped up. One line caught my attention…a keez.com. It’s a **** sight. The son of b#$%&. Really? Really?! I mean has he not done enough damage to me? I confronted him about it and it was like travelling back to the beginning of this whole **** mess. Same style of argument, same frustrations. Except it’s worse.
When I found out about the gambling I never blamed myself, never felt like I was the cause of it. I wanted to help him and fix him, but I have gotten past that. This, the ****, I take very personally. Why did he have to go there? Am I not enough? I mean our *** life sucks so is this it for him. Some woman on the screen who is ****** it beyond reason. Is that what does it for him. The son of a b#$%@.
I saw where the argument was going and I just walked away. He would only *** and try to place blame on me. I wasn’t giving him that.
I want nothing to do with him. I don’t know if I am blowing this out of proportion. I know I am not ok with him hiding the **** or him watching the **** by himself period. I personally have always though **** was silly.
Even though we never had the official conversation of him coming back in the house, he’s there. I never should have accepted his offer of help. Never should have let him come back. Because now I do not know where to go from here. I have a gam anon meeting tonight and honestly I’m not in the **** to go. I know they will know it’s been a ****** week and will want me to share. I know I don’t have to. I would just rather be by myself.
I will write more later. I have to get scooting. So right now everything is a mess because of some chicks on the internet ****** a ******…and my weak attitude and allowing him back.