I think following your latest post and Jenny’s reply there is little I will add to what I was writing before.
Your safe zone sounds the place that is right for you to be.
Why should you not hate the person that is hurting you so much? Don’t expect too much of yourself – you are human and you are in pain. The hating will stop in time.
The post I was looking for seems superfluous in view of the way you feel. I can’t find it anyway and maybe it wouldn’t have helped but I will give you the gist of it. just in case. It was written by a CG who is living now in control of his addiction and able to love his life and his wife. He struggled with guilt that on his wedding day he had allowed his bride to walk down the aisle to him on what was, for her, the best day of her life but for him – it was one of the worst. His only thought was gambling.
He knows, now that he is in control of his addiction, that he can never put that day right and of course if he ever told her it would break her heart and she would probably feel she hated him.
What I am trying to say is that a person so full of addiction cannot show love because they cannot feel it – he will hate himself, far more than you ever could and because he hates himself, his addictive behaviour is his comfort zone.
Your husband has no self-esteem and no confidence – he is like a puppet pulled by the strings of a loveless addiction. He shows anger, defensiveness and lack of care – but the person he cares for least is himself. These are the traits of the addiction and when they are in full flood I think that withdrawing yourself, to protect yourself is the right thing for you to do.
On this forum those who love a CG are the people who need support – in my opinion, understanding to the best of our ability those who have hurt us helps us in our futures. It means we can see that it was not because of who we are that our loved one hurt us – it is because of an addiction that distorted their minds causing them to behave in the most appalling fashion BUT in a way that they would not behave if they were in control of their addiction.
He will be ashamed of the **** but instead of saying sorry he will fight because he has an addiction that makes him unable to see reason and logic. The **** does not lessen you as a person one iota.
Stay in your safe place until you are ready. Keep listening and learning and you will make the right informed decision.