As of this past Tuesday it had been 32 days since my husband had gambled. Unfortunately he gave in and went to an internet cafe on Wednesday. For the first time I actually felt bad for him because he was so disgusted with himself. I know there is a cycle but it is starting to become a little different. After he gambles he usually is very apologetic towards me and I think is more upset because he feels like he let me down. This time he was upset because he broke 32 days of hard work…of feeling proud of himself. He is starting again with a new clean date. I am hoping even though we have a long road to go that we are both finally on the road to recovery.
Along with limiting money I am trying to limit his stress level. I am honest with him as to where we are at financially and how his dad is doing (his Dad has Alzheimer’s), however I try to buffer things. I know I can not do this forever, but stress is a trigger for him. Until he can better get a handle on himself and the gambling, this is the way it has to be.
I am more stressed because of that and it is affecting me. I am more short of temper especially at work but I am going to start running again that seems to help for whatever reason. That statement makes it sound like it’s easy but unfortunately I struggle and am trying to take everything a piece at a time. I keep focused on five(?) years down the road when we are a happy, “normal”, loving couple again.
I am afraid of becoming hard. I know Velvet touched on that a while ago, but more and more it is a worry of mine. I feel like I have to shut a portion of myself down in order to make it through the day. Don’t get me wrong things are getting better but some things are getting worse. The main thing is I feel I have less compassion. I hear someone complain and I just get impatient.
Bottom line…we are slowly working towards where we want to be. I am hoping the way he felt this past Wednesday will be a huge deterrent to gamble. Progress…we’re turtles…slow but sure.