I have read so many ***** that recovery from addiction comes when you reach rock bottom. I think I have another half step left. Tonight I am praying that God will just take me in my sleep, but that would be too easy. I will never beat this. I am pathetic and so scared. I have no thoughts except for the ones that say gamble gamble gamble.. I have nothing left..I shop for bargains, dye my own hair and then give thousands to stupid casinos. I am afraid.. I just feel afraid…I can’t do this for much longer…I am ingenious at getting around the barriers I put in place. Why does my brain not just say stop you idiot? This time I might lose my husband for good. Not that it bothers me that much …it’s more the shame of everyone knowing why!!!I must be a really vain, false person because the truth is I would gamble everything so long as no one finds out.I would love to be enjoying the rewards of my years of hard work, instead of sitting here wondering how I will last until pay day.And in truth if I had another few quid i would try to win it back…I am so stupid. I look at my face and the worry and deceit has taken its toll.. I am ugly and unkept . I meet my peers (many who earn far less) and they are always well dressed, groomed and tidy ..my house is an absolute pit..Somehow I keep the bits people see looking ok. I never have friends over because I am ashamed .. I am a slave to gambling.. It has taken my whole life from me..I think it is time I really start to fight for freedom. I want to confide in my husband. He would help me but I don’t think he could cope with the worry. I have always been the strong one who carries him through his anxieties.. I feel unloved.. I feel no one cares… I feel alone..I can’t meet people eyes as I am afraid they can see the addiction in them……….now moving forward… Time to ***** my blessings and get my head thinking straight. I am caring mother despite all. My son is an absolute joy and I feel so proud of the young man he is becoming. His friends love coming to our house so I must make them feel welcome.they seem not to notice or care about the mess! Lol! I have a addiction but it is not the worse one..it has not destroyed my liver, or made me paranoid or caused me to ***** or hurt others .. I need to focus on positive stuff. I am going to start by cleaning my bedroom …anybody got a digger I can borrow?? It ***** it. I need to get over the pride that is keeping me in this addiction. The pride that stops me going to GA.. The pride that makes me hide my gambling… The pride that wants a huge win so I can be seen as successful. Think that is my ramble over. I am eleven minutes into my recovery!!!
