#1466
monique
Participant

Dear Madge
When I read your latest post, it just cried out to me that YOU need so much to be looked after and cared for yourself.  And, as so many of us have discovered, the main person who can start that caring is YOU, yourself. Yes, with support – as much of that as possible – but starting with YOU centring on your own *****.  What are they and how can they be met?
I hasten to add that I can see you ARE doing so much already, for yourself and your children, but what is coming across is that there is still such a strong focus on getting it right for your husband.  All those questions which probably cannot be answered in advance.  You have probably tried it already, but can you truly hand over responsibility for the addiction treatment to HIM?  Of course, support him, but it somehow feels like you are still carrying the mental and emotional burden of how? what? when? etc, which could be left in his court.
I don’t know if residential rehab would be his best choice – but what I hear is that he has had multiple interventions, is still in touch with a number of therapists and admits to having messed around with them??  One view about therapy is that it is not always the specific TYPE of therapy or particular therapist that matters (as long as they are well-trained, know their stuff, work ethically etc), but the vital thing/the thing that WORKS, is the committed relationship between the client and his therapist.  Seeking advice from multiple professionals can be a way of avoiding commitment to the actual therapeutic work.
You don’t want to lose the dream of happy marriage and family – but that dream is NOT currently coming true in your life.  The horrible gangrene you need to cut out of your life is the addiction(s) and not necessarily your husband; only you can decide how you can cut out the gangrene – and maybe you are not ready to make any decision just yet.  But you cry out that every day is torture for you, so please concentrate on ways of removing that torture and making YOUR life more comfortable and bearable.  Can you dare to forget all about your husband for a while and let your imagination flow widely and creatively – what could you do, find, be, that would get you to a different place within your own mind and emotions?  As others have said, your children will ‘know’ in some way that things are not right and sensing that you are no longer being tortured can only feel good for them too.
If things feel so bad that you feel paralysed, I apologize for so much ‘urging’ in this post – sometimes the first step can be turning to someone you really trust, opening your heart and saying ‘please do …….. for me’ (just to get you started).
I am a bit anxious that this post does not sound empathic but rather bossy and directive – that is not the intention;  I have heard your cries and wanted to respond.
By the way, the cg I love, my son, has had a diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome (as a young adult), so I am aware of the difficulties there can be in working out which symptom comes from what, but I have also learned here that symptoms of addiction and symptoms of AS are, in part, somewhat similar.  I also feel that the active addiction can only spell disaster, whereas AS could be a manageable aspect of who he is, if the addiction is not active.
All good wishes,
MoniqueKeep hope alive.