It has been so very long since I have even read here…it really warmed my heart to see your last post to me Velvet, thank you.
So many new folks and brave courageous stories unfolding. I have learned so much in the past few days reading new posts and seeing some of myself there and admiring everyone’s strength and learning and wishing so much that no one had to go through this – it can feel soul destroying – how very lucky we are to be able to come here and share our wisdom as we find it again. I’m pretty sure I would still be spinning in my head and not trusting my instincts if it were not for everyone here – most especially Velvet and Harry who have held my hand so many ***** and and walked me through my own lunatic brain and helped me to be brave enough to really look at both myself and the situation.
I’m not 100% sure why I stopped reading etc. here, but in hindsight I think I was just needing a break from all that is gambling, and in some way preparing to end my relationship with him as I knew that I just couldn’t do this for much longer and had told him enough was enough – although I realize now I hadn’t been as firm as I needed to be in my own resolve at the time. As always, new promises came including one to make his online banking available to me (a much bigger step than just sending receipts etc. which never happened anyways) which would have gone such a long way to helping me feel safer and he seemed to be taking action of his own accord, disagreements and misunderstandings were handled openly and kindly, care was shown, my mistrust was talked about openly although difficult for him and me, then, as has been my experience again and again, time slips away, things don’t happen, a medical scare for him delayed for a little while (I know life happens), we talked again about a trip and a date and what that would look like, i booked the time off – he didn’t…It has been so long since I have seen him it is just crushing, and more time passed…I must admit I am still baffled by behavior that completely sabotages what someone says they want for themselves.
While he did seem to have more resolve himself initially and what seemed like much longer periods of clear headedness and we even made it so far as going to an initial counselling intake appointment, which seemed to go well. In the end, the things I needed just to feel secure and safe, never mind anything else, were not forthcoming and booking the next counselling appt slipped further and further away and i finally asked questions and answers were delayed, and then again a few weeks ago, I found myself having a crazymaking, blame shifting, manipulating discussion with the addiction – wanting to debate about what recovery actually means and why not just abstinence and that I was being unfair and unreasonable and as money had evaporated again and he was not able to contribute his half of the plane ticket as planned I was told that if it were him who had the credit card he would just buy the ticket and i could pay him back later (a massive slap in the face as I have heard the "i’ll pay you back" so many ***** and still have not been paid back – along with it being implied that I was not being generous as he would be), and the final straw for me was his comment that his banking and finances are private as we are not married…and I just shut down in a way…all my last bits of hope just disappeared…all I wanted was for the conversation to end and the hurt to end. There was just nothing left to say or do…for me it would all be the same old ground again or more promises for some time in the future that always arrives and nothing happening and the same crazy conversations yet again.
So I’ve said firmly goodbye in the past few days. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done – he wasn’t answering the phone, so I ended up sending an email (****** I know) and he did ask to speak the next day which I was willing to do but clarified it was only to say a more proper goodbye…in the end he said he couldn’t as it hurt too much. I am going to need all my strength to stand by this. I cannot speak with him or I am afraid that I will not be able to stay strong. I love him so very much and it is breaking my heart to let go. I can’t think about it all at once or it just undoes me.
I don’t know if anyone here has heard of the Virtues cards – they are a really lovely reminder of all the virtues we strive for in life and we use them here in school programs etc. My partner and I have, on occasion, done what is called a Virtues pick – where you pick a card for yourself to focus on for a week or a month – they tell you about the virtue, have a little quote and a few points about what it looks like to live that virtue…it is often astounding what comes up when you do this…or maybe it is just that I need so much work on all of them I feel like whichever one comes up is meant just for me at the time (haha). Before my last email to him (so i could email him his) I did a pick for us both and was, as always, renewed somehow in my faith in the universe at what came up – mine was Purposefulness (so very helpful for a focus for me right now) and his was Serenity, which of course left me in a flood of tears – I could not wish for more for him than serenity – I truly truly hope he finds it. It is so hard to really let go and know that I can’t do anything to help him find it…my heart actually aches.
A little bit of me feels guilty that I was not strong enough to tighten up the laces on my boots and learn to become more resilient to all the ups and downs so that it didn’t affect me…but it does affect me, very deeply. Having hope, restraining hope, maintaining faith and being open to trusting again some day, hope wobbling, being positive, being honest, keeping an open heart while not trusting at all, really working through all my fears without letting it tumble out prematurely, feeling the pain without getting stuck in it, all while trying not to pay too much attention to what is going on for him and building my own life to where I want it to be, digging into where i need to believe in myself more and learning to deeply care for myself as much as him, making plans for me and entertaining the idea of plans for us…no easy feat. I find questions still running through my mind ‘was he getting closer?’ ‘was it all a game to him and i never really mattered at all?’, ‘did i push too hard/ask too much, not push hard enough?’ etc. Go nowhere questions, I realize, as there is so much I will never know and I know I will come to peace with that – they are not the loud questions anymore, just whispers really.
Anyways, I know you all know what I mean. I am going to be ok. I have moments of fall on the floor in a puddle of grief and have just let it come for the past few days for as long or as much as it ***** to – I think some of the other grief of the past few months are rolling into this…then it passes for a while and I get on with it. I was really angry for the first couple of weeks after our last conversation…so so angry again. That seems to have passed for now…I hope so, I don’t like that feeling even more than I don’t like the overwhelming feeling of the sadness when its strong.
Off to finish watering the garden and pick raspberries before they all go over.
Much love. xx