As you know I recently fell foul of my posts being read and no it didn’t go down very well at all and caused a fair amount of problems, having said that it was about how I saw things and how I felt at the time. If I was writing that post today after several weeks of reflection I may have worded it differently, who knows ? as I am writing to you now I am maintaining an awareness of who may be reading and their motives for doing so and my advice to you is to do the same. Things may be said that are uncomfortable for someone to read, their perspective on a situation may be very different, there is often no rights or wrongs, just differing oppinions. As we have a choice to write then so there is a choice to read I guess.
I would like you to know Sosad that we have been able to get past that episode, I wrote it, he read it, but we are still together it is just one small part of the bigger picture. I think the thing for me about this sort of thing is that it is by no means a form of communication and if one reads to know what the other is thinking and vice versa then the normal opportunities for discussion are missed and there is little opportunity to explain mismatches in understanding. I would love to say, carry on writing as you were but I also know that it is not easy to do so as sometimes we want to vent without causing offence or without being overly analysed !! and neither do we want to be manipulated. In an ideal world it would be nice to have an aspect to the forum that could not be read by absolutely everyone! You may not want to care but the fact remains that you do.
Things do shift somewhere within us, I feel there is a time when we are no longer controlled by the addiction even if our loved one is. We may not like the fact that they are not in recovery but in an odd way it no longer has the same effect. I don’t think it happens on its own SoSad I think it happens as a result of you taking control of your recovery and accepting that there is not much you can do about his and if his happens, then even better.
You have put the work into this by taking steps forward in your own life and although maybe it doesn’t feel so rewarding if you again find yourself under attack from him in a different way, it is good to see that it is noticeable that his addiction is now not the complete focus of your life and that you are finding things to do which make you feel happy. Why would you not choose to put other things first and not a destructive addiction ?
My feeling is that further into recovery he may not have the expectations of you that he currently seems to have, why would you suddenly change over night and have the trust necessary to confide and hold intimate conversations if these have dried up due to his gambling addiction, not really very realistic of him is it ? As you said you need proof, he may not be able to give you what you need immediately but continued actions in the right direction are useful. Putting you down or criticising you, blaming you, turning everything around is the behavior of the addiction and is not condusive to encouraging intimate conversations really, is it ? When you say you need proof, what can he say or do that you will believe at this stage and furthermore should you be believing it ? Proof of another handling finances is not proof that there is no gambling – not wishing to rain on your parade or anything. It is the changes in behavior that happen slowly and subtly that convince me.
My reflections on my own situation was that we talked to other people, on here, in meetings etc both of us ***** footed around the other, walking on eggshells – really we seemed to have the same problem in different ways, if that makes sense. As a result nothing that should have been said, was said, resulting in all sorts of missed opportunities. But as I said eventually we got past that one !! talking to others but not each other.
You are doing well SoSad, the distance can be a negative and it can be a positive, you can make it work for you or against you. Although you may think you don’t know where the line is, I think you know more than you think you know !! if you read your post again you will see that you do recognise where it is.Even without the addiction in the mix it is easy to look back and imagine all sorts of ways in which we would handle things differently, its just life. Just because you feel scrambled does not mean you are. You have learned to put you further up your own list of priorities – whats wrong with that ?
We see things not as they are, but through how we are today x