Feeling very down tonight, and not sure why? Been home two weeks and had a near-perfect time. Got upset earlier when shopping with my wife for new shoes for Calleigh, our youngest. That was nice. But then we bought me some new trousers and she insisted on me getting new shoes. It really affected me because i became overwhelmed with guilt at what i had done in gambling. I felt like i was being rewarded and didn’t want that. I bought her a helium balloon and silly little ornament + card to say ‘Thanks’. It’s pathetic really. She liked it but what am i doing?? I have the most beautiful family and sometimes, like today, think it would be better for them if i just **** so they can remember and be happy. I cannot handle hurting them again – ever! I have not gambled at all, or acted out but feel very uneasy 🙁 When you can't run, you crawl. And when you can't crawl, when you can't do that… you find someone to carry you.
