such a stupid life i passed in last 5 years. i cant beleive that .I was a very active person my aim in my life was to help otheres i was working for 10 years in very remote area in iran just to help people who id not have medical facilities i was a amature photographer and i took morebthan 3000 portrate from kids which i love them .even in my worse time of my life when i see a kid i cant stop smiling at her or him .i dont know what happend for me .
i remember a story from buda who saw someone with an arrow in his leg and he asked himself why me ? who through this arrow to me and why? buda says :he die before he could find who hit him. he should first take out the arrow from his leg and then think why and who hit him.
its my situation for more than 4 years i asked myself why ? why? why? it was a mistake i should take out the gamble arrow first from my body and then i should think why or maybe after that even i did not need to know why?
any way looks i am righting for myself and i am happy becouase i know even in my language may be just a few people could undrestand me
i always lived in my dreams and i thought i have to follow my dreams its right i have to but i dont know is my dreams was my reall dreams or not
i have diffrent dreams from others i never own anythinhg i hate ownership i wanted to share everything which i had with others i was a comunist acctually in reallity and it dose not work
i love herman hese and his famous bood steppen wolf and i am a fan of paolo coelio and i love his book alchemist
i lived this 2 books in my life i passed tow big seas in 1996 when i scaped first time from my country because i had to
i was in afganistan in 2001 just 2 mounts before 9/11 because i wanted to help those who fighted against taliban and i put myself in a very dangerous situation to help afganish people who sufferd from taliban goverment
i was in kossovo in 1998 when kossovian people was fighting against miloshovich army and i went there to help them
i dont know anybody here read the book called Rudin RIGHT BY IVAN TORGEIOF russian novel righter i sometime think i am rudin loool
i am lost in reallity and fantesy i dont like this life i think this life is just a mess and i always lived in my dream
i spend 5 years all together in prison for political reason and i never complain about that time it was my choice
now is ramadan and muslims are fasting i remember when i was 14 years old and i was in prison in islamic republic of iran and every night every night they hit me and my friends 30 lashes and they tought they are doing thier duty about thier god
my family are muslim and they are cool they never did anything wrong about other people they are simple people who beleived to their faith and they are happy but when islam interfare with politic like any other religion or ideologies its horrible becouse they are thinking they are doing their duty to good
i dont know i am confuse about my life i could take alot alot alot and now i can take any things
what is this gamble problem?what this problem can make from people ? i am quite famouse in iranian inttlectual community but i dont want to be engage with iranian community because i feel shame
and i know non of people who knew me in past they cant believe this person is me ? as i cant believe that
i cant remember myself
only thing that i know is i have to be cured again to be able to help others
i dont want anything for me and my flatmate told me yesterday it is the problem
dont take me seriose i am just righting somethoing nonesence from my past and my current situation
its really confusing me as well but i have to right other whys i have to kill myself because i cant take anymore this shame this guilt
hamed
