#1991
readytowalkaway
Participant

*****.  It’s been several months since my last visit to this site, but have found myself back here again.  I decided to "walk away" in a manner of speaking.  I divorced my husband in May.  He did not put up a fight at all, it was almost as if he did not really care, I was giving him his freedom to do as he pleased, spend as he pleased…until he realized that he no longer had a roof over his head, but simply a couch in his mother’s home.   The problem was (and is) that I still love him very much and miss him when I am not with him….WHEN I AM NOT WITH HIM.  When we are together, I remember how his gambling has affected our marriage.   After the divorce I felt like I could handle a relationship with him as long as there was not a financial risk for me.  I guess I thought (and still think) that I could gradually accept that it was over and that over the course of time I would be able to move on and not love him so much.  Well, by doing that, by accepting that kind of relationship with him post-divorce, I found that if I wanted to spend time with him, I would have to do that by accompanying him to the casinos.  Now, I can’t deny that I have always enjoyed the entertainment at the casino and never found myself really wanting to go back, or thinking about my next visit or my next win.  In fact, I just could not understand my husband’s addiction, his compulsion to go back over and over until he was broke and had nothing.  In a sense I believe that I set out on these "dates" with my ex-husband to prove to him that you can go to the casino and have fun and not ruin your life.  However, I found myself distracted from my depression and sadness over my failed marriage and loneliness by the stimulation of the sounds and lights and overall energy of the casino floor.   I noticed that I was beginning to look forward to going back, look forward to being in that state of bliss, with no worries, no recollection of my problems for those few moments.   Suddenly I realized that my biggest enemy had just become my best friend and I am not at all proud to admit that I allowed myself to put a pretty ugly dent in my savings.  I attended a few local support meetings BEFORE, when I was looking for support as a spouse, but never heard anyone mention that they too felt an urge to gamble.  I have not yet attended a GA meeting, but have looked into when/where they are and I have discussed my worries with my own counselor and am putting steps into place to keep me on a safer path.  But, I was very curious to know if there are any others out there that found themselves in this predicament?  As always, thank you for the support and advice.